There's plenty of porn in Fifty Shades Freed. Dress porn, jewellery porn, travel porn, car porn. Unfortunately it's a tad light on the glossy soft-core kink that catapulted the books and then the films into the mainstream. Instead, the final chapter of EL James' Twilight fan-fiction wish-fulfilment saga is an idiotic mess that comes with a distinctly nasty aftertaste that no amount of ice cream on the inner thigh can shift.
Beginning with Ana and Christian's wedding, the first act is like a montage of wealth as the newlyweds head off to Europe in Christian's private jet, sunbathe, visit the opera, dine out and showcase a fabulous array of outfits and holiday locations. When they return to Seattle Ana has been promoted to 'New Fiction Editor' (a job which involves saying editor-y things like "make the font size 2 points bigger!") and given a swanky new office as well as a pair of bodyguards assigned by Christian.
But mild peril soon arrives in the form of Ana's sleazy former boss Mr Hyde (Eric Johnson), who's obsessed with Christian for a murky reason from the past. A half-assed kidnapping plot bubbles in the background, while Ana and Christian's domestic travails are the focus as he grows increasingly possessive/obsessive, not allowing her to speak to other men, punishing her for going to the pub with her best friend and getting angry when she gets her boobs out at the beach even though it's 'boobs in boobland' as Ana puts it.
The movie is 'boobs in boobland' too, showcasing a lot of both actors' naked top halves. But three films in and we really have seen it all before. The sex in Freed is mostly missionary, not terribly kinky, and not at all part of the narrative, so we're essentially just watching two married people shagging for no reason and it's all vaguely embarrassing.
Troublingly, the scene which begins as the most BDSM erotic, turns into something much more problematic with Christian deciding to enact what he thinks is poetic revenge for a perceived transgression of Ana's.
It's one of a number of scenes showcasing how much of an irredeemable dick Grey is, a man who lies to her, keeps thing from her, rages at her and hires a bodyguard to follow and report back on her every move 24/7. We've known all along that Christian Grey is a control freak, but in Freed we see him turn into a bullying man-child in a relationship that skirts very close to being abusive.
In the year of #MeToo, Freed feels dated and uncomfortable. And it doesn't help that Jamie Dornan plays Grey like an angry rock. We liked him way more as a serial killer in The Fall.
These movies were never meant to be anything more than gently titillating escapism, and while the last movie Fifty Shades Darker was glamorous and tongue-in-cheek enough to somewhat overcome the absolutely terrible script, Freed can't get away with that despite the best efforts of the charismatic Dakota Johnson.
Freed is a stupid movie, horribly written and full of incoherent narrative developments. It's not even so bad it's funny and its retrogressive politics are the cherry on top of a franchise that we, and no doubt the actors, are glad to finally have escaped. Talk about Freed.
Fifty Shades Freed is out now.
Director: James Foley; Screenplay: Niall Leonard; Starring: Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Rita Ora, Eric Johnson, Eloise Mumford, Luke Grimes, Running time: 105 minutes; Certificate: 18
