So good, I put my name on it

The celebrity endorsement awards

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This weekend, Paris Hilton released her 17th fragrance: With Love, Paris Hilton. Let us just pause to repeat that: her SE-VEN-TEENTH fragrance. We’re sure it’s delightful, and entirely different from Just Me, Paris Hilton, Heiress, Paris Hilton and indeed Dazzle, Paris Hilton. But seriously: 17 signature scents? How can a person have 17 signature scents? Does the human body even have the capability for that (especially before you get to the kinds of ones you may not want to bottle and sell)?

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The star celebrated the launch by telling WWD that her brand is ‘one of the number one celebrity fragrances out there’ (showing a grasp of mathematics that perhaps reveals how she can have 17 signature scents), continuing: ‘I have 17, which is a lot more than most people.’ She’s right, you know – we only have 15.

Anyway, it all got us to thinking about the weird and wonderful world of celebrity products. Who has the most? Who has the strangest? And why can’t we buy Pimp Juice any more? All is revealed in our celebrity endorsement awards…

Widest Product Range Award

At various times, you could have owned their kredit kard, their kosmetics, their fashion kollection and their Sun Kissed tanner – not to mention a signature kandle, jewellery, hair removal cream, watches, weight-loss supplements, a phone app and (obviously) kouture kandy. Who could it be? Oh, kome on…

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Most Unexpected Talent Award

Did you know Justin Bieber is actually a beauty expert? Did you? Well the clever folk at OPI evidently did, teaming up with the Biebs in 2011 to launch his own range of nail polishes. The line went on to sell over a million bottles. And no wonder: if there’s anyone whose opinion we’d trust on matters of beauty, it’d be a 16-year-old boy.

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The David Beckham Award for, well, Being David Beckham

We vigorously refute any accusations that we have created this award purely to run this shot of him in his H&M undies range.

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Most Unappealing Product Name Award

We’re sure you’re all familiar with the work of early 2000s rapper Nelly (in fact, we were only listening to the seminal album 'Nellyville' the other day). But did you ever listen to the hit single ‘Pimp Juice’ and think: ‘Hmm. That sounds like a refreshing beverage’? No, you did not. And yet: it happened! A reenergizing blend of vitamins B, C and taurine, the rapper released the drink in the US in 2003. Somewhat unsurprisingly, it bombed. Maybe, just maybe, because the juice of pimp is not always the first thing you fancy when feeling parched.

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The Oh, Of Course! Award for Most Obvious Product

If there’s one subject a supermodel knows a lot about, it’s eating a lot of sweets. That’s why, in 2006, Heidi Klum took the natural step of launching her own range – Heidi’s Fruit Flirtations. The packet even boasted: ‘Naturally & Artificially Flavoured’. There’s really not much more we can add to that.

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The Moodkill Award

So the lights are low, the music is soft, you’re snuggling up to that special someone… then you spot the JLS condoms. JLS CONDOMS. Uh huh, these existed, in a fetching range of colours, each with a boybander’s face emblazoned on the box. We can only imagine that they really DID help with safe sex, seeing as you’re not exactly likely to sleep with anyone who carried them.  

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Lifetime Achievement Award for Services To Post-Christmas Bargain Bins

It has to be Ms Hilton, obviously. She’s got 17 fragrances, you know. They can’t all be one of the number-one ones, can they Paris?

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