I've been with my boyfriend nearly five years. We've done everything together, from studying round a kitchen table for our A-levels, to graduating with our Honours Degree at the same university.
Throughout our relationship I have learnt that he is perhaps the only person I know that can carry off a hangover with humour (he tells me it's 'morning sickness') and that it is possible to be best friends with a boy.
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A photo posted by Rachel Macbeth (@rachelmacbeth) on Aug 25, 2016 at 12:12am PDT
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We've hit a lot of milestones, each one piecing together a lovely linear timeline that is gradually leading us both in to adulthood. But now there is a bump in the road that has thrown us off course slightly…my boyfriend is moving to Sweden.
It would seem that his fascination with the Scandi lifestyle has drawn him in and away from me.
He will be treated to coffee and cinnamon buns (his favourite) everyday in the form of Fika – a daily ritual of breaking from work and enjoying time with friends. No doubt he will be paid more, will of course work less hours and will overall be more productive and happier for it.
My hope is that the cold winter and lack of sunlight will drive him back to London. But even that is looking unlikely with the culture of hygge, which encourages you to get cosy and enjoy the simple pleasures of life with a cashmere blanket and sandalwood candle.
The Scandi effect will soon take its hold on his wardrobe too. Gone are his paisley shirts and striped trousers and in its place will be minimal, boxy basics that scream effortless style.
Will I even recognise him at the airport in a month's time?
Friends and family have expressed their sympathy for my loss but have also brought me back down to earth by reminding me that I'm not the first person to experience a long distance relationship, or 'LDR' as they are often known.
I have been told that it's not as hard as you think and that after being apart, the time we will spend together will be so much more valuable. But what if I don't want valuable? What if I just want him around on a rainy Tuesday night?
I've taken my mother's advice of breaking the time in to smaller chunks by booking flights in advance so that we have something to look forward to.
But what about the day-to-day? Ok, I won't see him for a few weeks and when I do it will be special, but who will be there to make me laugh before I get out of bed? Who will meet me at the station after work and help me decide whether to have spaghetti or stir fry for dinner? We can always FaceTime and text but that's not the same as a cuddle at the end of a long day.
His move has churned a mixture of conflicting emotions within me. On the one hand I want him to be happy, but on the other I selfishly don't want him to go. So, here's an insight in to what's going on in my head right now…
Supportive me: Congratulations! I am so pleased that you have landed your dream job; you have worked so hard to get this amazing opportunity.
Upset me: Why do you have to move away and abandon me like this? Call me selfish but I don't want this to happen.
Supportive me: You have talked about moving to Sweden for such a long time and you've finally made it happen. I couldn't be prouder.
Frustrated me: But you just moved 20 minutes down the road, and now we will be 1,172 miles apart.
Supportive me: Pull yourself together, it's only a 2-hour plane ride. That's quicker than that time we got a night bus to Edinburgh.
Jealous me: But what if you meet someone else? I mean, Alicia Vikander!
Reflective me: Don't be so negative. Just think about all the nice things that he has ever said and done. Like the time he took you to Brussels for your birthday and to Scotland for Easter and to Oslo, well, just because.
Upset me: I don't want to keep saying goodbye. (Note to self, keep hydration up to replenish water lost through tears)
Reflective me: But really we'll see each other all the time. Monthly trips to Sweden sound appealing the more I think about it, and there's always FaceTime.
Supportive me: We're young, this is exciting, and it's an adventure! This is a new chapter in our lives.
Exhausting isn't it? But now I have given myself a good talking to and have come to a point where I can accept this change. So this is my plan…
I will allow myself one day a week to feel sorry for myself, but the next day I must pull myself together.
I must fill up my weekends with brunches and coffee with friends. (I should also probably go for a few more runs if my cake intake is about to increase.)
I will remember that I have my own exciting career to work on and enjoy.
Perhaps most importantly, I will take more time to appreciate my boyfriend and make sure that I don't allow my emotions to spoil and effect this exciting time in his life and our relationship.
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A video posted by Rachel Macbeth (@rachelmacbeth) on May 29, 2016 at 10:44am PDT
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This has been quite cathartic. I feel much better.
Now, who knows if you can watch the Bridge on Netflix?
