Let us preface this article by saying, we don't know the veracity of this Craigslist post.
In a way, we are hoping it isn't real, because it is, by far, the most low-key, creepy thing we have read in a very long time.
And even so, let's say it is from the imagination of some prankster, they still had to come up with it, the entire character, scenario, even the van...
We're getting ahead of ourselves.
Let us introduce you to Gordon.
He is a 56-year-old divorcee, who is has decided to, finally, live life to the fullest.
He doesn't have any friends (you'll understand why later) and he wants to head to Coachella for the weekend, with VIP passes nonetheless, so he posted an ad inviting one lucky lady to go with him, free of charge.
So far so cute, with a side order of creepy.
Here's the post (via Indy100):
Ok here's the deal. I have a VIP Pass for Weekend 2. I'm willing to give it away for free to the right person. I'm looking for a travel "companion" that can enjoy the festival with me and just have a good time. I left my job as Supervising Manager at Soup Plantation and subsequently divorced my wife of 11 years. I cashed out my 401k and decided that moving forward, my life is all about having fun! No more team meetings, no more employee evaluations, no more balance sheets, no more darn conference calls at 7am. JUST FUN! I have a room at the Tropics Motor Motel in Indio Thursday through Monday. If you believe you can meet the below criteria, please shoot me an email and describe why you think you make the best fit. I appreciate your time and look forward to finding the right "one"!
About to close this window and get in contact yourself?
Well hold your horses, because sh*t is about to get real.
Gordon needs to lay down some 'criteria' for his potential 'one'.
Ok, so what do you think the criteria could be?
Up for a laugh? Single? Like-minded?
Well yeh, kind of.
Let's have a read of lovely Gordon's list, shall we?
Now let's stop you there Gordie.
You're fifty-flipping-six, are you going to date or adopt her?!
Ohhh, right, the meth cooking van from Breaking Bad.
And by the way G-dog, if you've gone and cashed in your 401(k), why the heck are you driving a meth van around?
You loon.
'I find it really sexy when men tell me, preferably completely unsolicited and very specifically, how to dress' said no woman ever.
It's moment's like this when you think Gordon might be just a normal guy trapped in a weirdos body.
Aaaand then he tells you to keep your hands and feet moisturised at all times and you realise he's straight out of The Silence of the Lambs.
Yes, but how open-minded Mr G?
Interesting, does the hand have to be attached to the body? Or could we saw off our own hand at the wrist and run away screaming?
See point 3.
I think the Gordonator is seriously overestimating his guest's ability to have an appetite after the scheduled hand holding.
Oh no!
Please don't revoke the divine privilege of staying in the Motel of death, please!
And p.s. don't want to speak out of turn here, but does anyone else like Creepy Gord might have some control issues?
Maybe?
Well let's check the next ten...TEN?!
How periodic though?
Will you be encouraging us with a gun, because that is literally the only way it will happen G.
TBH you're going to need something to take the edge off the eye contact/ hand holding/ hair brushing, so stock up on weed.
Hmmm, wonder what an Instigram is?
Guess there will be no grooming done that weekend then.
Really should get this instigram thing he keeps mentioning.
No, not naughty exactly.
Try terrifying?
Because you thought he was going to kill you.
Does 'HELP ME' count as a cute message?
Just to clarify, Gordonatron, do you mean it is a once in a lifetime opportunity because you're going to kill your guest after the festival or simply that they will be so scarred, the memories will keep them away from Coachella for the rest of their life?
Again, this CANNOT be true...
Please, say it can't be true.
Daisy Murray is the Digital Fashion Editor at ELLE UK, spotlighting emerging designers, sustainable shopping, and celebrity style. Since joining in 2016 as an editorial intern, Daisy has run the gamut of fashion journalism - interviewing Molly Goddard backstage at London Fashion Week, investigating the power of androgynous dressing and celebrating the joys of vintage shopping.