Let us preface this article by saying, we don't know the veracity of this Craigslist post.
In a way, we are hoping it isn't real, because it is, by far, the most low-key, creepy thing we have read in a very long time.
And even so, let's say it is from the imagination of some prankster, they still had to come up with it, the entire character, scenario, even the van...
We're getting ahead of ourselves.
Let us introduce you to Gordon.
He is a 56-year-old divorcee, who is has decided to, finally, live life to the fullest.
He doesn't have any friends (you'll understand why later) and he wants to head to Coachella for the weekend, with VIP passes nonetheless, so he posted an ad inviting one lucky lady to go with him, free of charge.
So far so cute, with a side order of creepy.
Here's the post (via Indy100):
Ok here's the deal. I have a VIP Pass for Weekend 2. I'm willing to give it away for free to the right person. I'm looking for a travel "companion" that can enjoy the festival with me and just have a good time. I left my job as Supervising Manager at Soup Plantation and subsequently divorced my wife of 11 years. I cashed out my 401k and decided that moving forward, my life is all about having fun! No more team meetings, no more employee evaluations, no more balance sheets, no more darn conference calls at 7am. JUST FUN! I have a room at the Tropics Motor Motel in Indio Thursday through Monday. If you believe you can meet the below criteria, please shoot me an email and describe why you think you make the best fit. I appreciate your time and look forward to finding the right "one"!
About to close this window and get in contact yourself?
Well hold your horses, because sh*t is about to get real.
Gordon needs to lay down some 'criteria' for his potential 'one'.
Ok, so what do you think the criteria could be?
Up for a laugh? Single? Like-minded?
Well yeh, kind of.
Let's have a read of lovely Gordon's list, shall we?
1. Must be female between the ages of 19 and 25.
Now let's stop you there Gordie.
You're fifty-flipping-six, are you going to date or adopt her?!
2. Must be comfortable traveling [sic] in a Recreational Vehicle (Vintage Shasta Chinook 3100 – pic attached).
Ohhh, right, the meth cooking van from Breaking Bad.
And by the way G-dog, if you've gone and cashed in your 401(k), why the heck are you driving a meth van around?
3. Must have fashionable sense of style in the vein of typical Coachella goer (i.e. cute indian headband, small ripped jean shorts, lots of colorful bracelets, etc).
'I find it really sexy when men tell me, preferably completely unsolicited and very specifically, how to dress' said no woman ever.
4. Preferably have a playlist of various Coachella artists on phone we can listen to on ride over.
It's moment's like this when you think Gordon might be just a normal guy trapped in a weirdos body.
5. Must keep hands and feet moisturised at all times.
Aaaand then he tells you to keep your hands and feet moisturised at all times and you realise he's straight out of The Silence of the Lambs.
6. Must be open-minded and opportunistic.
Yes, but how open-minded Mr G?
7. Must be ok with periodic hand-holding (perhaps during certain sensual songs and while walking into the festival initially).
Interesting, does the hand have to be attached to the body? Or could we saw off our own hand at the wrist and run away screaming?
8. Fingernails and Toenails must be nicely painted and harmonious with general color scheme of outfit.
See point 3.
9. I will provide snacks such as beef jerky and peanut butter sandwiches but if you have additional snacks and/or drinks…BIG BONUS!
I think the Gordonator is seriously overestimating his guest's ability to have an appetite after the scheduled hand holding.
10. Being social is fine but no excessive fraternizing with other male festival-goers, and male festival-goers, and most definitely NO PUBLIC AFFECTION with other festival-goers (violation of this rule results in immediate removal of Tropic Motor Motel room privileges and maybe even return ride).
Please don't revoke the divine privilege of staying in the Motel of death, please!
And p.s. don't want to speak out of turn here, but does anyone else like Creepy Gord might have some control issues?
Well let's check the next ten...TEN?!
11. Periodic moments of extended eye contact.
How periodic though?
12. Allow me to brush your hair once per day (not mandatory, but encouraged).
Will you be encouraging us with a gun, because that is literally the only way it will happen G.
13. Must not be into drugs, pot ok.
TBH you're going to need something to take the edge off the eye contact/ hand holding/ hair brushing, so stock up on weed.
14. Must take a minimum of four photos of us together and post them to your Instigram [sic] account.
Hmmm, wonder what an Instigram is?
15. Any personal grooming such as toenail clipping, eyebrow plucking or lipstick application must be done in my presence.
Guess there will be no grooming done that weekend then.
16. At least once during festival, you must allow me to carry you on my shoulders so you can see stage better (perfect time for instigram photo!)
Really should get this instigram thing he keeps mentioning.
17. At least twice during the festival you must tell me in a playful manner that 'I am naughty'.
No, not naughty exactly.
18. At some point in time during the festival you must tell me that 'you didn't know how this would go, but you're actually having a really good time'.
Because you thought he was going to kill you.
19. At least once during our stay after your shower, you must use the steam to write a cute message on the bathroom mirror for me to find later when I shower.
Does 'HELP ME' count as a cute message?
20. Must be ready to party and HAVE FUN! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and as mentioned, an all expenses paid trip. If you think you're the one, let me know and we can have a great time together. My name is Gordon and I am 56 years old from West Covina.
Just to clarify, Gordonatron, do you mean it is a once in a lifetime opportunity because you're going to kill your guest after the festival or simply that they will be so scarred, the memories will keep them away from Coachella for the rest of their life?
Again, this CANNOT be true...
Please, say it can't be true.