Apparently the way to get Chris Hemsworth's Thor body is to literally do every exercise in the gym. So easy! Why didn't anyone think of this before? The erstwhile Norse god posted a video of his intense workout to Instagram this weekend and, frankly, it's gratuitous.
This looks nothing like lazily strolling on the treadmill while reading a magazine, which is my preferred method of working out, so I don't really know what I'm supposed to do with this information.
Chris is going all the way in and it is both inspiring and super stressful. On one hand, yes, wouldn't we all love to be that fit and to do all those things with that level of gleeful intensity. On the other hand, this is too much. You're doing the most. This workout is at an 11.
This video, which I've watched about 147 times now, has everything. It's really ruining the magic of special effects for me, tbh. I thought celebrities just showed up to film superhero movies in street clothes, stained with marinara sauce and dusted with sugar from free break room donuts like the rest of us. If this video is to be believed, those abs and pecs and traps aren't actually CGI, but rather the result of plain old hard work. What a disappointment.
Hemsworth does all the greatest hits of the fit and fabulous. Here's a list with their technical names:
Exercise #202: The "Hang In There" Cat
This exercise also doubles as an inspirational poster.
No shade to kittens everywhere but if given the choice I'm definitely going to take all my encouragement from a shirtless buff Australian.
Exercise #140-D: The Comparing Yourself to Sheila from SoulCycle
This exercise combines strenuous physical activity with bone-crushing envy in a comprehensive all-over workout. It's like a Burpee for your self-worth. This that thing we all do where we're plugging away in class and then we cast a glance at the perfect person next to us who hasn't even broken a sweat and we push ourselves even harder because now it's a competition. Even if Sheila wants to pretend she doesn't know it's a competition.
Exercise #62: The Miss Lucy Had a Baby
This exercise works best with a troupe of school-age children, gleefully jumping in and out of the rope and chanting old-school rhymes. If you don't have a troupe of children at the ready, a bunch of adults participating in a movie montage about recapturing your youth will work just fine.
Exercise #9-5: The Sexist Egotistical Lying Hypocritical Bigot
You can't tell me that this get-up isn't a homage to the contraption that ensnared the boss in 9 to 5.
They are essentially identical.
As with the "Hang In There" cat, this workout improves on the original by removing Hemsworth's shirt. I think we're really on to something here. If you're taking notes at home, the keys to a banging, Hollywood body are as follows:
1) Do the most.
2) Recreate '80s comedies in strange and complicated ways.
3) Remove Chris Hemsworth's shirt.
We'll be beach-ready in no time!
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R. Eric Thomas is a columnist for ELLE.com, where he skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity shade, and schadenfreude. He is also the author of Here for It: Or, How to Save Your Soul in America, a memoir-in-essays.
