Let's all raise a glass of Pedialyte to Asahd Khaled, DJ Khaled's son and the hardest working person in the music business right now. Yes, Beyoncé performed gravity-defying acts at the Grammys while twenty-eleven months pregnant with twins, yes, Chance the Rapper is a one-man industry, but no one is hustling harder than the toddler who was an executive producer on an album before his first birthday. What are you doing with your life? Not that.
Artwork for that album, Grateful, was released first thing this morning and, naturally Asahd Khaled, the next President of the United States, is front and center.
Legit, I'm kind of stressed out by how busy Asahd's schedule is. When did he have time to do this photo shoot? Did he have his manager reschedule Tummy Time to squeeze it it? Also, I would pay any amount of money to speak with Asahd Khaled's manager. What are their meetings like? When he cries and throws tantrums is it because he is a diva or because he is a very small human child? Who can say?
Have you ever seen a more self-possessed toddler in your life? He's so serious. I feel like I shouldn't look at this photo without bringing a gift. Propped up in that hot tub, he looks like a character in a Coen Brothers movie about old-time Hollywood (no, not that one; the other one.) He's smoking a cigar and yelling at John Turturro and it's all Oscar-worthy.
Where is this hot tub, by the way? What hot tub has a little seat that's only big enough and high enough for a massively wealthy 18-month-old? Like, you will have to remodel your yard when he gets bigger. The contractor didn't factor that in, did they? Human growth. It'll get you every time.
DJ Khaled probably wouldn't mind doing a complete overhaul to accommodate his son's body, which is still rapidly growing because less than two years ago he was an embryo. Khaled is obsessed with Asahd. And if you know DJ Khaled, you know that when he obsesses he goes all the way in.
You may think you're a fan of your child, but are you a "employ a team of graphic designers to create a social media campaign around your child" fan? I think not.
DJ Khaled is like that friend from high school who you somehow follow on Instagram who suddenly switches from terrible pictures of nights out at the club to literally thousands of pictures of their baby. You know that friend. You barely remember any details about them but you could pick their child out of a lineup. You could write a Medium article on this kid's best angles and you were the first commenter to suggest that he probably had chicken pox. You're sitting at your desk eating your Cup of Noodles, scrolling through this near-stranger's feed, casually diagnosing a weird spot on the hand of a toddler you've never met. What is your life?
What is anyone's life when compared to Asahd Khaled? He has a better resume than most people graduating college this year. Oh, you spent a year building houses in Branson? That's cool, but this actual child knows Drake in a professional capacity. Thank you for your interest!
I should clarify, I am not hating on this baby at all. I am trying to hire this baby as my life coach. This baby dresses better than I do, seems to be more ambitious, and has great skin. When is someone going to give this baby a television show already?
Asahd 2020!
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R. Eric Thomas is a columnist for ELLE.com, where he skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity shade, and schadenfreude. He is also the author of Here for It: Or, How to Save Your Soul in America, a memoir-in-essays.
