About once a week, my phone blows up from a group text about a thread on Reddit r/Relationships. The public forum is home to anonymous posts about all types of relationships and the problems that occur—cheating, lying, racist grandmothers, ignorant fathers, and once in a blue moon, a post about incest that has a good chance of being fake. OMGs fly across our phones, before we launch into figuring out what the OP (original poster) should do, and theorizing what is really going on behind the scenes.
I have put a lot of emotional labor into deciphering Reddit r/Relationships threads, and have walked away, I believe, a more understanding and patient person.
The main purpose of r/Relationships is a good dose of schadenfreude. It is there to remind you that, though your boyfriend may have forgotten to vacuum yet again, or your mom keeps "forgetting" that you're bisexual, things could be worse, or at least far more absurd.
As far as romantic relationships go, there's plenty. There was this guy, who moved apartments while his girlfriend was away and didn't tell her until she returned. Or this one, who saw his girlfriend's body measurements written out and suddenly found himself unattracted to her. Or this guy who can't figure out that making fat jokes in front of his girlfriend might make her upset.
Part of the value of r/Relationships is how it allows you to analyze your own. The problems presented may seem extreme, but maybe you've felt a hint of what the OP is feeling, or you see yourself in the actions of who they're posting about. It's easy to say "at least he doesn't throw a fit any time I wear heels." Or maybe he does, and seeing the funhouse mirror of your relationship reflected back at you makes you think of your choices in a new light.
Laughing at assholes is one thing, but sometimes people's lives blow up in real time. One woman posted about "sitting in the back of my own RV with a man who won't let me touch the wheel. It has been three days since this trip has started, and all Tim [her husband] has done is rant about how awesome the RV trip would be if I weren't with him." Another accidentally opened her husband's snapchat to a shot of another woman's genitals, and posted "He's sitting not 20 feet from me & I don't know how to handle this."
The internet is certainly a powerful tool for bullies and trolls, but as we've seen before, strangers can also save the day. Commenters had careful advice for the woman asking about her husband's Snapchat, preparing her for defenses he might have when she confronts him. "Do not under any circumstances let him turn this around and accuse you of invading his privacy," advised one. Others advised her to get divorce paperwork in order, or to get tested for STDs. But most of all, everyone offered their sympathy.
If I were actually on Reddit and didn't just scour it for stories like this, I'd be offering sympathy and advice too. That's because every woman knows what it feels like to have a man betray her, whether she's actually been cheated on or not. My sympathy here is visceral and obvious. But what the threads of Reddit r/Relationships really allow me to do is watch as others have sympathy for people I despise, and slowly learn how I can be more compassionate.
Of all the cringe-inducing Reddit threads, there is perhaps none that made me want to run out of my own skeleton more than the tale of a man who needed to uninvite his son from his vacation. The OP writes that he has a strained relationship with his son from a previous relationship, who is 11. He pays child support, sees him on weekends, but they don't always get along. He and his current wife have two kids, and he prefers that his other son not call him "dad," since he's not as close to him as he is with his younger kids. He planned a family vacation to Disneyland and, somehow, his older son got the impression he was coming, and now he wants to tell his 11 year old that he's not invited, somehow without hurting his feelings.
When I first read this, rage boiled in me. This boy was clearly hurting and trying to build a relationship with his father, and his father was holding him at arm's length. I was convinced there were some people in this world who are heartless and who deserve no sympathy.
And yet, the commenters provided. Some told stories of how they had similar relationships with their fathers when they were young, and how much it hurt them growing up. Some pointed out that he's denying his younger kids a chance to have a relationship with their brother. Their words were harsh, but encouraging. They warned that if he didn't fix his relationship with his son he'd be doing some real damage, and that he was certainly projecting his feelings for his son's mother onto him. They told him to do the right thing.
It worked. "I want to do the right thing in this situation and I realize how much being denied coming is going to hurt Jack," wrote the original poster in an update. "I am going to review the custody agreement we have and see if taking him is possible, I am going to talk to his mother and see if she will approve, and I will talk to my wife and see if she approves."
Of course we'll never know if that actually happened, or if any of it was real. But while I was ready to dismiss another jerk, dozens of people did what they could to help. People have left abusive husbands, reunited with distant family members, and opened their hearts to gay relatives all because some strangers on the internet gently ushered them through their crisis.
As I wrote this, my phone blew up again. My friend had sent us a thread about a woman who has helped her boyfriend's family move six times, and how the morning of the moves they don't even have anything in boxes, and how this seventh time she decided to spend some of the day with her family instead of dealing with that mess. And then her boyfriend called her the "most worthless girlfriend ever" and hasn't spoken to her in two days. It's ridiculous, and makes me feel grateful for my relationship, but also for the supportive crowd cheering for her to speak up for herself. Because OMG six times.
