Hillary Clinton's long-awaited memoir, What Happened, came out yesterday. As many who saw her lose the presidency in the 2016 election hoped, it's an insider account of a much-criticized but also historic campaign; as the first woman to run for the position, her unprecedented experience can't help but fascinate.
But there's one other, very surprising, aspect to the book. Somebody get some Alocaine, because What Happened is chock full of burns. One small excerpt from the book drew attention on Twitter for this delicious moment:
Not only did Clinton tell Jason Chaffetz ('wannabe Javert') that she mistook him for Reince Priebus, but the addition of Dubya's reported comment about Donald Trump's inaugural address—'That was some weird shit'—right up top? A masterpiece.
With three magnificent burns in just one short section, I was all but rabid to find out what else Clinton had to say. If you're wondering what other deeply enjoyable tea she might be serving, wait no longer. Here are 13 of the best burns in What Happened.
On Donald Trump
'I was convinced he represented a clear and present danger to the country and the world.'
'I had known Donald Trump for years, but never imagined he'd be standing on the steps of the Capitol taking the oath of office as President of the United States. He was a fixture of the New York scene when I was a Senator—like a lot of big-shot real estate guys in the city, only more flamboyant and self-promoting. In 2005, he invited us to his wedding to Melania in Palm Beach, Florida. We weren't friends, so I assumed he wanted as much star power as he could get. Bill happened to be speaking in the area that weekend, so we decided to go. Why not? I thought it would be a fun, gaudy, over-the-top spectacle, and I was right.'
'Listening to Trump, it almost felt like there was no such thing as truth anymore. It still feels that way.'
'The niece of a top official in the incoming Trump administration came over to introduce herself and whisper in my ear that she had voted for me but was keeping it a secret.'
'In several states, Republicans ran an ad mixing images of Ebola responders in hazmat suits with photos of President Obama playing golf. It's ironic to remember that now, with Donald Trump spending about 20 percent of his new presidency at his own luxury golf clubs. I sometimes wonder: If you add together his time spent on golf, Twitter, and cable news, what's left?'
'He had no ideological core apart from his towering self-regard, which blotted out all hope of learning or growing. As a result, he had no need to listen to anyone but himself.'
On meeting a girl who didn't vote
'I wanted to stare right in her eyes and say, 'You didn't vote? How could you not vote?! You abdicated your responsibility as a citizen at the worst possible time! And now you want me to make you feel better?' Of course, I didn't say any of that.'
On fellow presidential candidates
'I doubt that many people reading this will ever lose a presidential election. (Although maybe some have: hi Al, hi John, hi Mitt, hope you're well.)'
On literally everyone
'I was convinced that both Bill and Barack were right when they said I would be a better President than anyone else out there.'
On 'alternative' Goldfish crackers made by a nutritionist
'We passed around the bag and discussed whether it was better than the original. Some of my staff thought yes, which was incorrect.'
On one backward Harvard Law Professor
'There was a professor at Harvard Law School who looked at me—a bright and eager college senior, recently offered admission—and said, 'We don't need any more women at Harvard.' That's part of why I went to Yale.'
On the New York Times
'The New York Times did an analysis that concluded my meal was healthier than the average Chipotle order, with fewer calories, saturated fat, and sodium. (Good 'get' for the Times; they really ate CNN's lunch on that one.)"
And finally...Barack Obama on Hilary Clinton
'Don't try to be hip, you're a grandma.'
