Excuse me while I experience exactly zero chill whilst freaking out about the story of Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez's first date.
The world's most attractive couple (fight me on that; it's true) is given a glorious and glowing profile in the latest Vanity Fair. In it, they invite you (yes, you!) into their life together and reflect on some of the struggles in the past. These two have had the most dramatic lives and I am literally always on the verge of tearful applause every time I think of them. This profile pushed me right over the edge.
Lopez talked about the costs of finding massive success at a young age, while also noting that she had a number one album and a number one movie at the same time ("In his 20s, he came into big success with the biggest baseball contract [at the time]. I had a No. 1 movie and a No. 1 album and made history.") Lest you ever forget! And Rodriguez revealed the scars left by the steroid scandal that derailed his wild rise in professional baseball (Alex Rodriguez was a baseball player, I learned today!).
All of it is very dramatic and revealing and I will be crying for the rest of the afternoon with sympathy inspiration. But the most amazing part of the profile is the section in which JLo and ARod recount their first date. Together! In unison!
It's too much! It's so cute that I have unfortunately died but fortunately I've been born again in another body, so good news: Scientology is totally real.
Anyway, since I am a baby now I will just shout amazing facts about J-Rod's first date at you.
JLo is shy!
"I think he thought I was going to be this loud person, but I'm not. I just listen," JLo says, immediately making me want to spill my deepest secrets to her. How much do you think she would charge to be my therapist? No price too high!
ARod was nervous!
The woman who made history by having a number one movie and a number one album at the same time continues (lest you forget!) continues: "I don't know if he thought it was a date. I thought it was a date. Then I knew he was nervous because he asked me if I wanted a drink." I'm obsessed with this idea of stars not knowing they're on dates. I will never feel bad about getting a confusing read on a situation ever again. I'm not socially awkward; I'm JLo, star of The Wedding Planner and the artist behind the album JLo (LEST YOU FORGET!)
I'm also very invested in this idea that millionaire baseball player who looks like Alex Rodriguez gets nervous. I mean, everyone should ideally get butterflies around Jennifer Lopez but this is next level. In the article, Rodriguez defends himself: "Maybe we were seeing each other at night because of her work schedule. I went in uneasy, not knowing her situation." The age-old question: is it cuffing season or are we doing business? Iconic.
ARod talks like your step-dad who just left a self-empowerment seminar!
I'm just going to copy this quote in its entirety because it's amazing.
Explaining his thinking about the date, ARod says: "It would be incredibly productive for me to sit with one of the smartest, greatest women in the world, especially for a guy like me who is coming through tough times, rehabbing himself, re-establishing himself to folks out there. I thought it would be a win-win no matter what."
How was your dinner with JLo? Incredibly productive.
I'm obsessed with this guy.
Then he texts her from the bathroom!
Y'all, ARod is a bit of an adorable mess and it's giving me life. He says, "She told me around the third or fourth inning that she was single." WAIT. ARod uses baseball terminology in everyday speech. That is the headline here. Step-dad is WILD. "I had to get up and go re-adjust my thoughts. I went to the bathroom and got enough courage to send her a text."
And what did the text read? "You look sexy AF,"
STEP-DAD OUT HERE WITH THE MOVES IN RIGHT FIELD OR WHEREVER.
They laugh in retelling it and then JLo says, "And then it took a turn."
I'll bet it did! I need my smelling salts after reading that. I have to lie down. I am spent! The only thing that can revive me is a romantic comedy that was the number one movie at the same time as the star's album. Does anyone know where I could find such a thing?
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R. Eric Thomas is a columnist for ELLE.com, where he skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity shade, and schadenfreude. He is also the author of Here for It: Or, How to Save Your Soul in America, a memoir-in-essays.
