Kylie Jenner sent fans into an absolute tizzy when she posted a photo of her Christmas tree, which seemed to some to hold more coded messages than Donald Trump, Jr.'s inbox. The 20-foot behemoth is done up in millennial pink ornaments, which many took as a hint that Jenner, who is reportedly pregnant, is expecting a girl.
Eagle-eye celeb-watchers were quick to latch on to the color scheme and Jenner's inclusion of a pink bow in her comment on the phone as ironclad proof of the existence, not only of a baby, but of a female baby. This is a huge step forward in the celebrity-sleuthing world and it opens up a whole new field of scrutiny. What if all of our celebrities are trying to communicate to us with their Christmas trees? What if the shape, color, and placement of the ornaments this is their only way of reaching us with the truth?!
We must listen! And investigate!
Kylie Jenner
Here's what we know: there is a tree.
Here's what we think: there is a baby, that baby is a girl, that girl's name is going to be Marilyn, based on the clever art placement in the background, and Marilyn will be 20-feet tall. Some of this may be conjecture.
But let's take a step back here. Whatif Kylie is communicating something totally different. Many use the color pink to signify gender in reveal parties and sock hop invitations and such, but what if what we're taking as a (light) red flag is actually a false flag. Here's my theory: Kylie chose a pink design scheme on a snow-covered tree. Snow? Inside? In this climate change? It's all a ruse. Kylie is reminding us that gender is a construct, anyone can wear pink, most especially THE PINK POWER RANGER. This tree is a shoutout to Amy Jo Johnson. Case closed.
Khloe Kardashian
The Kardashian sibling carried on the family's enigmatic tradition with this Snap of a bare tree adorned with lights. She labelled it "Second tree," referencing perhaps that this is not the first tree she's put up. A previous Snap showed a similar-looking tree with the label "The beginning," but was it really? How are we to truly know the order that Khloe put her trees up? And what does the lack of ornaments mean? Is she hinting at a shift to austerity in the new year?
She included a Snap of boxes of decorations, leading to the inference that she would be putting the decorations on the tree. But what if she didn't?!
Here we see boxes upon boxes of gold ornaments, not on branches but safely enclosed in plastic. "Store up your treasures," Khloe is telling us. "Gird yourself and those you love against unexpected financial fluctuations. Invest in precious metals. Look into Bitcoin." Case closed.
Mariah Carey
The notoriously festive celebrity posted an Instagram of a shockingly human-sized tree and we should all be alarmed. Last year, Mariah's twin trees were essentially Redwoods that she single-handedly tamed, aggressively festivated (not a word unless you're referring to Mariah Carey), and displayed as a warning to all who would dare lack the Christmas spirit.
This year's tree is a dramatic divergence. Is Mariah losing her festive spirit? Not so fast! Notice Mariah's placement: she towers over the tree, definitively re-affirming her place as the most festive aspect of this or any image. This is a reminder and a warning shot across the bow to any celebrity who would dare challenge her.
Also of note: the hand reaching up from the side and holding Mariah's hand. In indication that Mariah is being assisted by a secret cabal of merrymakers who have infiltrated Every Level of the Festive world (the ELF for short). Mariah's people are everywhere. Expect them. Case closed.
Paris Hilton
On the first day of December, Paris Hilton donned a black catsuit and sunglasses to pose in front of her Christmas tree. Visually, this is a masterwork. The tree is so overloaded with bright baubles, it's almost one solid glowing orb of light. All the better, then, that the heiress chose visual counter-programming to better standout.
The crucial clue to her messaging here is the sunglasses inside. Is it because of the brightness of the tree or is it a harbinger of something greater? Paris Hilton is planning to buy the sun. Case closed.
Emily Ratajkowski
"Tis the season," Emily Ratajkowski captioned this Instagram of her miniature tree, set against a verdant hillside background. But the season for what? That's the mystery. The model seems almost to have been startled by the photographer as she floated through her sunroom with her morning coffee. Float, being the operative word here. Emily Ratajkowshi is trying to let us know that the season for revealing superpowers has finally arrived. Look at her feet. This is no invisible step challenge. She's revealing that she has the power of levitation. That tree's size is deliberate, creating a forced perspective that calls to mind a model soaring above the tree tops as she sails above the hills. All hail the Super Supermodels! Case closed.
Kelly Ripa
The morning TV staple rightfully praises her glamorous tree as an "elegant lady." With no humans, even Ripa herself, included in the photo, this tree is an avatar for the Live with Kelly and Ryan host. Co-hosts may come and go, but Kelly stands tall and elegant. Forever.
Interestingly, this elegant tree includes a huge tree skirt. What is the secret message contained within? Kelly is telegraphing 2018's hottest fashion trend: the rise of tulle, bustles, and hoops for dresses and skirts. Watch for Kelly to reveal yet another quadrant of influence as she introduces the world to her line of enormous custom ball gowns.
Not satisfied with simple morning dominance, look for Kelly Ripa to win Project Runway, RuPaul's Drag Race and the Met Gala in 2018. And forever.
Case closed.
R. Eric Thomas is a columnist for ELLE.com, where he skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity shade, and schadenfreude. He is also the author of Here for It: Or, How to Save Your Soul in America, a memoir-in-essays.
