The President continues to be 100 percent That Dude. As in, that dude you meet at a barbecue who tells you a whole bunch of blatant lies, double dips with wild abandon, and has probably crashed the affair because no one seems to know him.
What's great (terrible) about That Dude is how he obliviously insults himself constantly. Add to the That Dude hall of fame Trump's seemingly braggadocios comments recorded at a Missouri fundraising speech on Wednesday. According to the Washington Post, That Dude boasted about telling Canadian Prime Minister and Certified Snack Justin Trudeau that the U.S. was running a trade deficit with them even though he had no idea if that was true or not; Cette Snack insisted it wasn't true.
First of all, let me say I don't really know what a trade deficit is. Which means that I am now qualified to be president. Please throw me a military parade post-haste.
Second of all, no one lies to Trudeau, aka Le Bae, aka Disney Prince Who Sometimes Does Questionable Things TBH. How dare! How can you look in his cerulean eyes and let slip anything but le vraiment, le plus vraiment, and nothing but le vraiment. When I testify at Shade Court, I always swear on Justin Trudeau.
Third of all, please remind me to never find myself alone listening to President That Dude telling a story because, as is the case with every That Dude, this guy doesn't so much tell a story as he just MadLibs his way to a punchline. He's like a reverse Quincy Jones. Honestly, I feel bad for Robert Mueller, who is going to eventually have to sit in a room with him and try to pick a confession out of his word salad like someone who's 'not allergic to frisee but just doesn't prefer it and no it's fine there's no need to send it back.'
All hail: the Caesar of word salads:
Trudeau came to see me. He's a good guy, Justin. He said, 'No, no, we have no trade deficit with you, we have none. Donald, please.' Nice guy, good-looking guy, comes in — 'Donald, we have no trade deficit.' He's very proud because everybody else, you know, we're getting killed.
... So, he's proud. I said, 'Wrong, Justin, you do.' I didn't even know. ... I had no idea. I just said, 'You're wrong.' You know why? Because we're so stupid. … And I thought they were smart. I said, 'You're wrong, Justin.' He said, 'Nope, we have no trade deficit.' I said, 'Well, in that case, I feel differently,' I said, 'but I don't believe it.' I sent one of our guys out, his guy, my guy, they went out, I said, 'Check, because I can't believe it.'
Not exactly Profiles in Courage.
Hey, for fun, let's break this down, lettuce leaf by lettuce leaf.
'Trudeau came to see me. He's a good guy, Justin. He said, "No, no, we have no trade deficit with you, we have none. Donald, please."' My favourite part of this is 'Donald, please,' which is a diplomatic way of saying 'Hi; you're insane. Can you not?' It's such an odd detail for Trump to add to this story in which he is both the villain and the fool. He is playing 75 percent of the roles in a Medieval Court.
'Nice guy, good-looking guy, comes in — "Donald, we have no trade deficit." He's very proud because everybody else, you know, we're getting killed.' Justin Trudeau is so good-looking that even when the president is trying to trash him, he still can't help commenting on his looks. Which are, as I said, très très hot. Another random aside in a story that is completely comprised of random asides. Like, why do I need to know this information? To be clear: whenever you are telling me a story, I want you to let me know who in the story is good-looking. But it doesn't actually help prove the president's point. Unless, of course, his point is: any idiot can see that Trudeau is hot. In which case: agree. And speaking of any idiot...
' ... So, he's proud. I said, "Wrong, Justin, you do." I didn't even know. ... I had no idea. I just said, "You're wrong." You know why? Because we're so stupid.' Wow. This is... correct. Between Betsy DeVos showing up on television and providing the opposite of receipts of her qualifications and the president straight up bragging about being dumb, it's been a banner week for American education.
'And I thought they were smart. I said, "You're wrong, Justin." He said, "Nope, we have no trade deficit.'" I said, "Well, in that case, I feel differently," I said, "but I don't believe it." I sent one of our guys out, his guy, my guy, they went out, I said, "Check, because I can't believe it.'"' What a golden age of reasoned debate we live in when the President of the United States uses the same argument tactics as a troll on the internet.
Trudeau: Facts.
Trump: I feel differently. But I don't believe it.
Trudeau: Mon dieu. This dude.
THIS DUDE.
R. Eric Thomas is a columnist for ELLE.com, where he skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity shade, and schadenfreude. He is also the author of Here for It: Or, How to Save Your Soul in America, a memoir-in-essays.
