You might have heard that yesterday, the Government of Canada's Citizenship and Immigration website crashed, the eve of the US presidential election when Americans heard news Donald Trump was stomping his way to the Oval Office.
Throughout the election, Canada has been touted as the saving grace if, how do we put this, 'the sh*t hits the fan', with celebrities such as Lena Dunham, Barbara Streisand, Amy Schumer and Miley Cyrus vowing to pack their bags and head north of the border.
But, there are several Americans hoping their neighbours across the Atlantic (that's us) might give them a helping hand.
Despite declaring their independence in 1776 during a war with Great Britain meaning they'd be free from the reign of King George III, some Americans are asking if they can turn back the time and be part of our beautiful Kingdom again, parodying Trump's slogan with the phrase, 'Make America Great Britain Again'.
Does this reaction remind anyone else of the Take That lyric: 'Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it, I just want you back for good…'
Anyway, The Independent has posted a viral thread – accredited to Month Python comedic actor John Cleese – in which Cleese writes a letter on behalf of Queen Elizabeth II to all those wanting their independence revoked:
'In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect":
There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know n your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!'
Look, Americans. We wouldn't dream of you changing anything about yourselves (well, maybe your understanding of the word 'football') so we've come up with our own list of requirements you'll have to bring over if you want to join us again:
- A lifetime supply of Twinkies
- A few packets of Twizzlers
- Ryan Gosling
- Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
- An explanation of corn dogs
- A pastrami sandwich
- The Statue of Liberty (so we can plant her in the River Mersey).
- The safe return of James Corden.
You can leave the Hershey's stateside.
Cheers.
Katie O'Malley is the Site Director on ELLE UK. On a daily basis you’ll find Katie managing all digital workflow, editing site, video and newsletter content, liaising with commercial and sales teams on new partnerships and deals (eg Nike, Tiffany & Co., Cartier etc), implementing new digital strategies and compiling in-depth data traffic, SEO and ecomm reports. In addition to appearing on the radio and on TV, as well as interviewing everyone from Oprah Winfrey to Rishi Sunak PM, Katie enjoys writing about lifestyle, culture, wellness, fitness, fashion, and more.
