The Contents Of The Oscar Nominees' Swag Bag Is Seriously Bonkers

From five-star holidays to a year's supply of apples, we run down exactly what's inside the Oscar nominees' 'swag bag' for the 89th Academy Awards.

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Forget the Neil Lane diamond earrings, the embroidered finishings on a custom Oscar de la Renta gown, the Oscar-winning smiles as winners take to the stage to thank the Academy or rubbing shoulders among the Hollywood elite at the ceremony's after party.

The real reason we're jealous of the actors invited to this year's 89th annual Academy Awards is the free bag of goodies they get for attending the star-studded night.

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No, seriously. It's epic.

According to Insider, ahead of the awards night 25 of the top nominees and the host for the night receive what is known in celebrity circles as a 'swag bag' – a gift bag filled with everything, and we mean everything, your heart could possibly desire.

While nominee gift bag isn't gift on behalf of the Academy, entertainment-marketing company Distinctive Assets reportedly has been mastermind behind the 'swag bag' for Oscar nominees for the past 15 years.

The company's founder, Lash Fary, told the publication that this year's goodie bags include gifts worth over £80,000, and will have already been sent to celebrities weeks before the awards show.

However only 10 per cent of those who receive the party bags actually redeem the holidays, according to Fary.

via GIPHY

Oh sorry, did we forget to mention that there are vouchers for holidays in that bag?

Our bad, we were probably just trying to block it out of our mortal minds so we don't weep in despair at our mediocre lives.

And, if you weren't already envious of the lives of Dev Patel, Emma Stone and Ruth Negga, then prepare to have your jealousy levels reach the Richter scale because if this isn't proof that life is unfair, we don't know what is.

*Drum roll*

The 2017 Academy Awards 'swag bag' includes:

A three-day mansion stay at the Lost Coast Ranch in Northern California

Fary told Insider that guests will be able to have up to 10 friends come and stay with them for the weekend in the 18-room mansion.

A ChapStick Total Hydration Moisture + Tint

It's reportedly the brand's first tinted lip balm. Celebrity lips get dry too, you know?

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A six-day stay at Koloa Landing Resort at Poipu in Hawaii

The Hawaiian resort is on 25 acres of the island of Kauai and has a spa and two pools.

Yes, two pools.

A complimentary three-night stay in a suite at Grand Hotel Tremezzo, Lake Como

The hotel offers views of the Bellagio and Grigne Mountains.

Sadly, George Clooney – who has a house in Lake Como – isn't included in the package.

A year's supply of apples

Nominees will receive Opal's apples – which are supposed to not brown after slicing – from October until July next year.

Okay, so a year's supply of chocolate would be much better but, we'll take it.

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A week-long stay at the Golden Door spa in Southern California

Also gifted in the Grammys' 'swag bag', the spa trip will see 100 per cent of its profits donated to help end child abuse.

A complimentary three-night stay in a suite at the Grand Hotel Excelsior Vittoria in Sorrento, Italy

The 92-room, five-star hotel offers views of the Gulf of Naples and Mount Vesuvius.

No biggie.

Sixty-four customized Crayola crayons

With the host or nominee's name and photo printed on the box, they will also receive a golden crayon with their name inside so they can spend their time between shoots using those colouring in books they received for Christmas.

A 14-karat solid gold and diamond encrusted 'OM' bracelet from YogaJewelz

We can see the jewels around the neck of Ryan Gosling, right now.

Or not.

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A Bangarang handmade wooden box filled with 199 'positivity' cards

Because sometimes celebrities need a pick-me up too. The box features 199 positive statements and quotes to life up a reader's spirits.

Drunken fig cake bites from Chocolatines

Drunk figs? What is this madness.

A personal CPR kit

The CPR Anytime kit from the American Heart Association promises to allow users to learn adult hands-only CPR in 20 minutes.

We might need to use this when we see Ryan Gosling come on screen, to be honest.

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Oh, and this list is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the 'swag bag's gifts.

Others prizes include a massage, a boardgame, protein energy bars, plates, foot cream, and a jar of pecans.

How the other half live, hey?

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