If you're currently sitting by anything sharp, heavy or could result in some serious damage to a nearby colleague, friend or passerby, you might want to take a deep breathe before reading this.
A chiropractor from Kansas, in the US, has invented one of the most ludicrous ways to help women with their periods and, surprisingly, it has received a patent.
According to the Independent, Daniel Dopps, the CEO and President of Mensez Technologies, has created an adhesive 'lipstick' that women can apply to their labias in order to block – yes, block – their menstruation.
Put down the chair, you haven't read the best bit yet.
In a post to Facebook, Dopps describes how the product works.
'Have you ever woke up with your lips stuck together? It didn't hurt and it was kinda fun. All you had to do was to wet your lips from the inside with saliva and they became unstuck. This is the principle behind Mensez.
'Mensez is a natural combination of amino acids and oil in a lipstick applicator that is applied to the lips down under during the period. It causes them to stick together, strong enough to prevent leakage, that is until the user urinates. The urine instantly unsticks the labia and allows everything to wash out into the toilet,' it adds.
'Simply wipe, and reapply,' Dopps advises.
Basically, the 'lipstick' temporarily glues your vagina shut, which then opens when you sit down to go to the toilet, releasing the collected menstrual blood.
The urine instantly unsticks the labia and allows everything to wash out into the toilet.
Yes, we're as dumbfounded as you are right now.
Not only is this one of the stupidest ideas ever invented – even the idea of bacon-flavoured dental floss sounds more logical right now – but how is the lipstick's adhesive blood and sweat proof, but somehow dissolved by ammonia in the urine?
Also, has this man ever seen a woman's vagina? He does know urine comes out of the urethra and not the vagina, right?
What's more, how the hell can you be sure the urine will dissolve the seal?
What if your labia gets stuck together for hours and you need to see a medical professional for assistance to open your vagina again?
What's the risk of infection from keeping menstrual blood trapped inside your body?
So. Many. Questions.
Someone pass me that flippin' chair.
According to Forbes, Dopps received a patent for the lipstick on January 10, but the product is yet to hit the market, despite it (surprisingly) being testing out by a number of women.
Dopps' invention has understandably angered several women who don't particularly fancy glueing their vaginas shut, especially when he posted another message to Facebook which read: 'Yes, I am a man and you as a woman, should have come up with a better solution than diapers and plugs, but you didn't.
'Reason being women are focused on and distracted by your period 25 per cent of the time, making them far less productive than they could be,' he adds.
Oh, and then he says periods 'play with [women's] heads' and menstruation can be 'gross, crusty, smelly and incredibly awful'.
Hell no he didn't?
Of course, it didn't take long for Facebook users to launch a full-blown social media attack against Dopps, with comments ranging from, 'I'm 99% sure this guy has never even seen a vagina' and 'if only we could give him a period and let him try his own product'.
We know exactly where Dopps can stick his lipstick...