You're not really a celeb until people have theorised wildly about your personal life, coming up with rumour after conspiracy theory that ranges from the sort-of-plausible, to the completely preposterous.
Every heard that Jamie Lee Curtis and Lady Gaga are hermaphrodites? That Tupac and Elvis are still alive? That Khloe Kardashian's dad is O.J. Simpson?
If you haven't, congratulations you are a classy broad with classy friends and you obviously only read classy, reputably sourced articles.
If you have heard these rumours...join the club.
Since we ain't as classy as we'd like to pretend, (tbh, we prefer to be called 'Nasty' these days, keep up), we love a good ol' conspiracy theory, the more bogus the better. And who knows? They could be true?
*Disclaimer, none of these are true...as far as we know wink wink (no, but seriously they aren't true, don't sue us)*
The most recent conspiracy theory to emerge from Beyoncé-land, is that she's spelling out top secret clues about her unborn twins using her jewellery.
Apparently, Bey has been giving signals for a while now. But this last week, she wore the same earrings from her If I Were A Boy music video, which obviously must mean that her twin babbies are boys.
Also, this account claims to have figured out that the twinnies are due on the 25th May due to her clothing.
These sites constantly claim Bey is 'petty,' which apparently also means that every little detail is planned meticulously.
What's My Age Again?
As well as faking her preg- oh, have we not gotten there yet? Well apparently, Beyoncé isn't even really 35-years-old.
Beyoncé's dad, Mathew Knowles, is behind this one, as he has said some suspicious things which could mean Bey would be a few years older.
According to BET he said on a radio show, '[Destiny's Child] had a competitiveness... LA [Reid] had a girls group but I bet you don't know who his lead singer was... Pink! She was the exact same age as Beyoncé and there used to be this battle about which group was better. We had Usher, he was the same age. They were all 14 or 15 years old.'
Dun dun DUUNNN!
Both Pink and Usher are 2-3 years older than Beyoncé.
Another piece of 'compelling' 'evidence' is that Gabrielle Union, who is nine years older than Beyoncé said she knew her in highschool...
Solange is actually Bey's daughter.
Yep, this is a goodie. If you follow the 'logic' that Beyoncé is a full nine years older (because Gabrielle Union said she knew Beyoncé in highschool, remember?) then she would have been 14-years-old when Solange was born, a totally feasible age to be with child.
But, as we know, B is actually only five years older than her sister. So no dice on this one folks.
This is bog-standard Bey-rumour stuff. The Queen even responded in Formation with the line, 'Y'all haters corny with that Illuminati mess... Paparazzi catch my fl-' sorry, just got distracted.
Let's just pause and have a boogie to this, shall we?
Where were we? Oh yeh , Illuminati.
The Illumanti rumour itself has many facets, most obviously Beyoncé and Jay-Z's use of the 'Roc-a-feller' hand signal.
But the most low-key bonkers element is that Blue Ivy's name is a acronym for 'Born Living Under Evil / Illuminati's Very Youngest'.
Pretty bonkers stuff.
No Actual Bey-bey
Beyoncé faked her pregnancy! Here is literally all the evidence.
Again, and again and again in slow motion.
#Bumpgate was probably a slow news week.
There was a Billboard article, in which you can find the following paragraph:
Not true of artists like Beyoncé, with whom Sia says collaborating is 'like a writing camp' and that 'she's very Frankenstein when she comes to the songs,' taking bits and pieces from various songwriters and asking to hear them mixed together. 'In the end, she had maybe 25 songs of mine on hold, and I was very excited to get a couple of them back. Definitely one is on the album.'
The throwaway comment by our favourite wig-wearing singer about Frankenstein and Beyoncé 'hold'ing things sparked a strange Brazilian conspiracy that Beyoncé was keeping Sia locked in a subterranean lair...
These Tweets apparently exacerbated the theory.
Glad they got authorities involved...
People were pretty chill about it and didn't go overboard at all.
Some French journalist leaked to the press that Beyoncé and Barack were a thing, à la Marilyn and Kennedy or Bill and Monica.
Obviously this was absolute rubbish.
Having said that, if anything ever happened to Michelle (which obviously it won't because she is a deity and therefore immortal), we would not be against the idea. Yes, she's a few years younger (but HOW much younger?), but we're not 100 per cent Jay deserves her. You have our blessing, guys.
Who Killed Joan Rivers?
Well, technically a lack of Oxygen to the brain after surgical complications and a medically-induced coma.
But also, Beyoncé.
Turns out, Joan's last Tweet was a joke about B.
So, she killed her.
Makes total and complete sense.
There are literally hundreds more conspiracy theories, feel free to peruse them at your leisure, but some of us have work to do.