What Zayn Malik Did Next

Zayn signs to RCA records. Crowd goes wild.

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Zayn Mallik, the ex Only Member of One Direction OK to Fancy If You Are Over 30, has signed a solo record deal and will be releasing some edgy slow jamz (we imagine) on RCA Records which is also home to A$AP Rocky and Justin Timberlake. The man even gay women would like to get handsy with (trust me) Tweeted:

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He’s so AUTHENTIC. We’ve almost forgiven him for getting rid of the bleached blonde hair that made us feel things we hadn’t felt since Bieber got bangs.

Simon Cowell did a Taylor by making the event all about him, Tweeting:

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Then:

‘Special’… hmmm.

This leaves 1D in a sorry state – Niall is busy being the most normcore popstar on the planet endlessly posting photos of golf courses to Instagram, Louis is about to be a Dad with ‘LA Girl’, Harry is in danger of being eaten by his own hair and there’s that other one we can't really remember.

Very best wishes to you Zayn - there’s an Usher-shaped hole in our lives and we can’t wait for you to fill it.

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