VMAs 2015: 12 Hours Of Madness

Eve Barlow reports LIVE from the VMAs


The sun's out, it's another beautiful day in Los Angeles. But it's more than that. It's also the 32nd Annual MTV Video Music Awards hosted by Queen of controversy Miley Cyrus and I'm travelling to the Nokia Theatre in Downtown LA in an Uber. ‘We'll get there in time,’ says Brenda my driver. ‘Can you tell Miley that she's great but I'm a mother... No showing of the vajayjay. I'm serious!’ Brenda sighs. Miley, if you can hear me via Instagram hashtags and Wayne Coyne's psychedelic powers of telekinesis can you please answer Brenda/send help. 


14:20 (LA time)

Outside the Microsoft Theatre is a moving Miley GIF. The Minnie Mouse ears are on. The tongue is out. Obviously. She can't stop. She won't stop. It begins. 


A video posted by Eve Barlow (@evebarlow) on




At check-in, women with headsets and heels are running around frantically without one drop of sweat. I'm given a Face Page for the red carpet. It includes dogs (real ones), Brooklyn Beckham and a guy from Catfish. One page of the Face Page booklet includes Karlie Kloss, Martha Hunt, Lily Aldridge, Cara Delevigne, Gigi Hadid... It's like the whole cast of Taylor Swift's Bad Blood video are here. Oh, wait.


The screams on the carpet are deafening. Walk The Moon have arrived to walk the carpet. In paint-splattered suits. Who? They sound like Bon Jovi and they're a huge deal on US pop radio, ok?



Brandi Cyrus, 28, and sister of Miley, has arrived, as has a younger lad who looks the spit of Miley. I presume he's another Cyrus. I think his name is Braison maybe but I can't be sure going off Google Images alone. So many Cyruses (Cyri?), so little carpet. Pop trivia: how many tattoos do all the Cyruses have between them? I'm asking you. I don't know


‘Mr Jonas!’ shouts a cameraman at youngest Jonas and presenter tonight, Nick, on the carpet. He's shown up in a FULL LEATHER suit, seemingly looking to defend Gotham later. 


OK, Miley has just turned up on the red carpet. Silver suspenders. Knee-high silver boots to match. Long dreadlocks in a high ponytail and, well, a bare bottom. Barbarella version 2.0 has arrived. I think that outfit surpasses expectations. Remember guys, this is just the first one. 



I'm over the red carpet now. Seriously, if Michael Jackson appeared resurrected I don't think I'd bat an eyelid. We live in a post-Miley red-carpet world. 


I’m now INSIDE the Nokia Theater. Kelly Osbourne is interviewing designer Jeremy Scott, the man responsible for this year's Moonman. His suit is reminiscent of the BBC test card. Scott presents the first award - Best Rock Act - to Fallout Boy, who receive it on the preamble here. They look very happy...


I bump into a group of Justin Bieber fans. How do I know? They're holding self-made placards saying, 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?’ What do they mean? Well, that's the name of Justin's new song. What do you mean? No that's the name of the song. Huh? Oh nevermind. 


These signs actually mean: "Can you get us inside?" #whatdoyoumean

A photo posted by Eve Barlow (@evebarlow) on



Sway is presenting Taylor Swift with Best Pop Video for Blank Space. The show hasn't even started yet. Taylor is surprised. ‘Oh what award is this?’ she asks. It's a perfect opportunity to debut the video for Wildest Dreams too, of course, all the proceeds of which go to charity (How does that work? From streams? I don't get it but let's believe it). The video looks VERY expensive. ‘We just wanted to do something so WILDly different...’ she tells Kelly Osbourne after it plays. Don't worry, Tay, we know the name of the song. We know EVERYTHING there is to know about 1989. 



Somehow, within SECONDS, Taylor is now onstage in a completely different outfit with Nicki Minaj. Quick recap: Nicki complained about the VMAs' lack of equality for Black female artists in their own right having not been nominated in the Best Video category - only for Best Hip Hop video. Taylor jumped on it on Twitter as an attack on her. Taylor then offered Nicki to join her onstage when she wins the Award. Then it's magically settled. And now? Taylor joins Nicki's stage. This is about equality and friendship guys, OK?


Somehow, within mere more SECONDS, we're already on performance two. Ryan Lewis and Macklemore are outside in Downtown LA to perform a song I'm presuming is called Downtown. I get it. 


Miley comes out to start the show from behind a tie-dye screen, like a psychedelic flower child from the year 2055. 'What's up everybodyyyy,' she says. Miley claims she's done everything on this stage, so this time she's avoiding any further controversy by presenting. Except we all know she hasn't done everything here. She hasn't, for instance, asked the crowd to scream: ‘MARIJUANA.' Oh wait, she has now!


BRITNEY IS PRESENTING AN AWARD! When Mark Ronson joins Bruno Mars onstage to receive Best Male, she does what any woman would do and stands to his left, head cocked to one side in total awe of his beauty and height. 



Miley outfit two is slightly more naked than Miley outfit one. Enter Jared Leto. Looking like a young Lou Reed. 


The Weeknd is flying solo for the next performance of the night. He is awesome. His hair never disappoints and there is a 9.3 level of fire. Kanye is dad dancing to the track like your embarrassing uncle at a Bar Mitzvah, next to a very pregnant Kim Kardashian. 



Nicki Minaj wins an award for something. She thanks her ‘pastor’. Then has faux beef with Miley onstage. Miley literally rises above everyone: Minaj, Swift, the Robin Thicke moment and even the VMAs themselves. ‘It's just an award,’ she says. At the awards. It’s amazing. 


Miley outfit 3 or 4 (I’ve lost count) is carefully placed macaroons on her private parts. And nothing else. I think they're macaroons. 


Taylor Swift wins something again. Surprise!


Another Miley latex ensemble - this time pink. 'Turnt' is her word of choice for this segment. I thought we'd retired that one now. 


Cool For The Summer by Demi Lovato is officially and ironically too hot to be performed inside, so the former Disney star takes to the streets of Downtown LA. And, oh who's that hiding beneath the stage? It's Iggy Azalea! The Aussie rapper is always popping up all over the place. Literally. She does a rap. Then Demi flies over the crowd in a paddling pool. 



Justin Bieber comes out onstage wearing just a cap and the sort of casual ensemble teenage boys wear to Asda. He sings a perfect vocal for Where Are U Now (Best song of 2015, hello?!) and then shakes it up with a dance routine indebted to some of MTV VMAs' greatest ever performances. If you want to have a son who's a great dancer and a potentially huge MTV icon then call him Justin. Bieber takes the crown this time. The medley segues into his new single What Do You Mean? (remember the placards?!). It does sound like an EDM take on The Lion King soundtrack. Which is why it's so addictive.


Snoop Pig is on stage. Let me explain. One of Miley's pre-recorded videos features Snoop Dogg gifting Miley with some strong space cakes. So strong Miley then hallucinates that her pig - aptly called Pig - is now Snoop Dogg. And there you have the latest incarnation of Snoop Doggy Dog: Snoop Piggy Pig. 


Tori Kelly is performing. I thought it was Shakira. Who is Tori Kelly? Google it, I had to.


‘I first met Kanye West at this show actually’. Just as your mind begins to drift away from her, Taylor Swift is onstage presenting Kanye with his Vanguard Award, won last year by Beyoncé. She's talking about Kanye's ‘WILDly successful’ fashion sense and career. Another subtle plug for her latest single, WILDest Dreams. She emphasises that Kanye is her ‘friend’ because that's what 2015 is about.

Kanye takes to the stage to receive the award and begins talking. And talking. And talking. I begin to imagine what it must be like being his daughter, North West. ‘Daddy, you can stop the story now, it's morning, I fell asleep nine hours ago...’


The highlights of the never ending speech include the part where Kanye spoke for all of us (‘I still don't understand awards shows’), his constant addressing of someone named ‘Bro’ (can we secure the world's first interview with ‘Bro’ please?) and then finally his declaration that he would be running for President in 2020!


Miley is back doing some ‘serious shit’ which means she's introducing Pharrell who's performing in Downtown LA.


Rita Ora comes on as presenter then A$AP Rocky performs onstage. Rocky blasted Rita on a song on his new record. Was that intentional?  The two don't play into the drama.



Miley closes out the show and ‘breaks the rules’ by performing a brand new song. What's bigger than a Kanye West style mic drop? An album drop! Miley drops hers - titled ‘Miley Cyrus And My Dead Petz’ live onstage. It is now available online for free. Should I stay and find an Internet connection to download or go?!  I'm staying. It's the VMAs for f*ck's sake. 


Miley enters the pressroom and calls us all her ‘friends’. Before she leaves she also doles out some avocados. Who knows why? She leaves some Moonmen awards for us to play with. I pick one up. It weighs more than a 25kilo dumbbell. Here I am with my Award!

I WON! (And almost broke my wrist. It's heavier than a 25k dumbbell)

A photo posted by Eve Barlow (@evebarlow) on


Miley's album's great and only greater with the notion of actually gatecrashing Miley's after-party. Two texts later I find out where it is and spend an hour trying to blag my way in. I feel less bad when realising that Mr Brainwash is standing next to me. The security guard is insistent that we cannot get in because we're not as important as yet-to-arrive/never-arriving name on the list, Caitlyn Jenner. Almost giving up for the night, I finally luck out and sneak in with a couple of people who once styled Miley - apparently.


he party is awash with drag queens, plastic penises protruding from walls, huge Miley balloons, a shrine to her deceased dog Floyd, a giant cake, RuPaul chocolate bars, bobbles and stickers for your own face/hair decorative requirements and, of course, Miley herself. And with that, I am going home with an ice cream cone sticker glued to my face. Who am I? Where do I live? What am I doing?

The VMAs are over, I'm back in an Uber, and listening to Miley's new album. Obviously.


Hosting is soooooo hard!!!!!

A photo posted by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on

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