Mercury In Retrograde Is To Blame For Everything Bad

Kind of. This is your survival guide for the next three weeks

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Mercury is in retrograde again! So if your computer is on the fritz, you’ve had a blazing argument with your boyfriend and were stuck on a train with your face in an armpit for 45 minutes this morning - you know who to blame.

Mercury is the planet of communication, clear thinking, truth and travel. So when it goes retrograde — which means it looks like it’s going backwards in the sky when actually earth is just moving at a different speed — everything in those areas goes a bit, you know, awry.

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Ever heard of someone having a mercurial temperament? The next few weeks might feel like that ‘tough love’ friend has moved in and set up shop in your head, bringing along with her a case of really bad PMS.

It may feel like Mercury is always in retrograde, but it actually only happens three times a year and usually lasts around three weeks. By 9th October things should be back to 'normal', but in the meantime, here’s your survival guide:

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•  Watch your words. Unless you want to end up alone forevermore. Don’t take what others say personally either - we’re all talking gobbledygook so make like Taylor and shake it off.

•  Back up everything. Twice. Seriously, i-cloud, dropbox, Google Drive. Do it now. Mercury rules communication so by extension your computer and phone.

•  Hold off on big plans. Life doesn’t need to stop because of all this crazy planetary movement - that would be insane. Mercury just wants us to slow things down a little. So read the small print before you sign for that new flat, or you could end up with mice and mould on your Mulberry. Sorry about that.

•  Practice mindfulness. Basically give your full attention to whatever you’re doing. Probably best not to inhale a sandwich at your desk while emailing your boss - unless you want to mistakenly send them a moaning message meant for your best friend.

•  Stay at home. Ahh, any excuse. Lovely Mercury would like you to have a hot bath and get to varnishing that old table you’ve been meaning to recycle. If you have to travel, double check your reservation and bring a doorstopper book because there are bound to be delays (actually, maybe blame Virgin for that).

•  Reflect and refocus. Now may not be a good time to launch a creative or communications project but it’s a brilliant time to refocus your energies on long-forgotten  ones. So dig out the half-finished novel or business proposal for another look. 

•  Organise your wardrobe. Mercury really wants you to throw out all those skanky vest tops. No, really. When Mercury goes retrograde it makes the ideal time to refresh things in your life - clear out the old and make way for that new faux-fur coat.

•  Be super Zen maaaaan. Take a deep breath and remember that we are tiny specks in the vastness of the universe and our problems really aren’t that bad.

•  Look at the silver lining. Now is a great time to reflect on the past, so reconnect with old friends, spend time at places you loved as a child, or call up trusty old clients for a coffee. We have a sudden urge to put the Spice Girls on our walkman (or buy a Victoria Beckham bag?) and suck on a dib-dab. But hey, whatever works for you.

You’re pre-warned and prepared. Now go rule the universe.

Words: Tamsin Crimmens