Drape your coat
Do not put your arms through sleeves. It’s too basic. Casually hang a jacket or coat over your shoulders. Better if you’re jumping in to a car with a driver who holds the door open for you, and not frantically scrambling to find your bus pass in your handbag while getting on the Number 52. In this scenario the coat WILL fall off your shoulders and it WILL be trampled on by the crowd of school kids behind you as you sob ‘but it’s PRADA !’
Avoid buses
See above. Particularly avoid the small ones in London, or any that start with a letter. Taking the 14 along Sloane Street for some window-shopping is, however, encouraged.
Claim to be ‘high on Matcha’ in the mornings
Coffee is OVA. Green Juice is practically Jurassic. Drink matcha, or pretend you have.
Never use a plural when talking about clothes
‘And what shoe will you wear with that?’ does not imply that you will only be dressing the one foot - true fashionistas speak in the singular. See also ‘the trouser’.
Always eat dessert
The biggest myth about true fashionistas is that they are obsessed with eating clean. Some of the major names in the business have Krispy Kreme loyalty cards and can be found decanting handfuls of Haribo into the pockets of their Vuitton jumpsuit at parties. For further evidence may we refer you to Tom Ford’s penchant for a Percy Pig (note the singular).
Insert the words ‘a’ and ‘moment’ into sentences as much as possible
'I love a matcha moment', 'I love a Rick Owens shoe', 'I love a Percy Pig', 'I love a public transport moment'.
Make wildly definitive assertions
‘Oh my god that doughnut was THE most amazing thing in the world EVER…’ (was it?); ‘THIS, is the only shoe you will need all season’ (is it though?), ‘I am NEVER eating doughnuts again’ (are you not? Really?)
If in doubt, call it ‘basic’
A zeitgeisty catch-all for pretty much any ‘meh’ reaction to an item of clothing that isn’t THE most AMAZING thing you have EVER seen in your ENTIRE LIFE.
