While Mary-Kate's weekend wedding to billionaire Olivier Sarkozy is clearly one of the most captivating celebrity nuptials of all time, the details with which to satiate our interest have so far been almost nonexistent. Here's what everyone knows so far: She got married in Manhattan on Black Friday, in a small ceremony that featured free cigarettes but no cell phones. Bob Saget was not invited but he's happy for Mary-Kate, as is Dave Coulier. Plus, John Stamos is feeling very emotional and nostalgic about the whole thing. But that's pretty much it.
That leaves us with a ton of wedding-related questions, including:
1. What kind of cigarettes were in the bowls? Were they just plain old Marlboro Lights or did they spring for a fancy kind, like Sobranis?
2. Are all of Mary-Kate's and Oliver's friends smokers? Almost every wedding I have ever been to has banished smokers to some kind of variation of Dante's Eighth Circle of Hell, which is usually the back of a parking lot across the street from where the actual wedding or reception is taking place. But maybe Mary-Kate and Olivier only know smokers.
2. Did she pay for the maybe three non-smokers' dry cleaning? Because if everyone is smoking all night in a small, intimate space, their clothes are going to reek of cigarettes. (The answer to this is probably no, since everyone attending was most likely rich.)
4. Was there a theme other than "bowls and bowls" of cigarettes? What was it?
5. Did she wear a dress from The Row? In 2014, Mary-Kate and her sister Ashley Olsen designed a wedding dress for their friend Molly Fishkin and it was gorgeous. Did she or her sister have a hand in designing the dress for MK's big day? Was Mary-Kate an "alternative bride" who opted for comfy pants, or did she do a complete 180 and go full country bride ?
6. Did Ashley make a speech? Was it a lengthy, tearful tribute to her twin sister, or did she keep it limited to pursed lips and a subtle nod in her direction?
7. Was the president of France there? Mary-Kate's new husband Olivier is the half-brother of Nicolas Sarkozy, who was the president of France from 2007 to 2012. So is the family's international political cred still pretty high, or is the current French leader more of a Growing Pains fan?
8. What are the chances that there were any repurposed Mason jars at this wedding? Zero, right? Unless that's what they used to hold all the Mary-Kate + Olivier embossed matches.
9. DJ, or wedding band? So help me god if they played "Shout" — and so help me god if they didn't play "Michelle Smiling."
10. Was anyone brave or drunk enough to actually make any Full House references or jokes during the toasts or otherwise? Who the first with an Uncle Jesse joke? Carla Bruni, maybe? How rude.
Words by Rebecca Rose; Cosmopolitan