Like the rest of the working world, I am bombarded with emails from the word go in the morning and often find myself drowning in so many of the little critters that only the ones entitled 'Naked Pictures of Ryan Gosling here' peak my interest. However, yesterday afternoon this one popped into my inbox: 'FAT CARDS – A NEW LOW IN BODY SHAMING'... suddenly, a Ryan Gosling level interest was taken.
As a calm, so-laid-back-I-am-almost-horizontal person, I'm very rarely riled by other people's actions, but this one sparked a reaction.
I know, right?!
According to the overweight haters, I am a burden on the NHS. I pillage and plunder the world's food resources. I won't ever find love, or if I do, he will be a perverted chubby-lover. Oh, and I am an ugly human. Thanks.
I could have had a Hulk-like reaction to the obscenities that were written on the cards that were being handed out to women at Oxford Circus, but laughter took over instead. Overweight Haters Ltd had got it so so SO wrong.
1 | I'm a burden on the NHS... I haven't been treated by the NHS since I was 15. It was when I was battling England's number four for the Under 19 Squash County Championship, a title I had won the year previously. Yes, that's right Overweight Haters Ltd, I was Under 19 County Champ aged 14. And the only reason I went to an NHS hospital was because I was running so hard for the ball, I skidded on beads of my own sweat and smashed my ankle into a marble wall. Excusable? I think so.
2 | I'm single handedly eating the entire world's food resources... Anyone that knows me will attest that I am the world's fussiest eater. If it is not Oakham reared, organic free-range chicken breast from M&S, I don't want it. So in terms of the world's starvation, I can only really take responsibility for Oakham's chicken.
3 | I won't find love..? Soz, I found it. I've felt it, I've experienced it, it happened. I win.
4 | I can only attract perverted chubby-lovers... If this is the case why does my Bumble app buzz every hour on the hour? It can't have anything to do with the fact that I am fun and friendly and mega lols? No, they must all be perverts. Sorry Ben, Tom, Ross, Charlie, Alex and Will – I can't be what you are looking for because duh, I am a fat ugly human. Also, my dog thinks I'm a pretty great human and it's damn hard to get the Chester seal of approval. Just try.
But today my faith in humanity was restored once more thanks to the awesome people at wonderush who were handing out THESE cards at Oxford Circus.
Thank you for reminding me that I am an amazingly brilliantly awesome phat human. Because that's really what I am, human.
And so Overweight Haters Ltd, for your sake I hope someone learns to love you back. It must be hard being that lonely.