Up until a few years a go I had very little in common with Canadian rapper, Dad dancer and all round meme Drake. Then Rihanna gave me a lapdance and the artist formerly known as Aubrey Drake Graham and I suddenly shared something very special. Let me explain.
I’d blagged myself a VIP ticket to the O2 Arena in London for Rihanna’s Loud tour. This was 2011. I was a Features Editor for the Evening Standard Magazine and was enjoying a fun Thursday night out with my cousin, dancing to Man Down, Umbrella, Disturbia and marvelling over Ri-Ri’s grand entrances, including best of all her arrival to the stage on top of a giant pink war tank. Little did I know my life was about to change FOREVER.
Midway through the concert Rihanna had slipped into a sexy pinstripe suit and acquired a cane to perform her hit S&M. She chained up some men and spanked a few of her dancers and then, THEN, she walked over to where I was standing in a crowd by the side of the stage and asked:
“Any boys in there want a lap dance… or any girls?”
'Oh, how kind!' I thought. 'Why not?' I thought. 'Don’t mind if I do!' I thought...and my hand went up in to the air and was waved about in a somewhat undignified fashion.
I must’ve been shining bright like a diamond because I was at once plucked out of the crowd by two hunky bare-chested dancers and deposited in the middle of the stage for Rihanna to have her way with me.
What happened next is a bit of a blur. Thankfully my cousin recorded it all on her iphone and if you ever happen to sit next to me at a dinner party I will probably show you the footage because I will quite literally be dining out on this experience for the rest of my life.
You will see Rihanna push me on to a bed, straddle me, grab my hand and place it upon her ample bosom, before performing some impressive hip thrusts and then disappearing with me through a trap door in the stage.
You will then see my little head pop up through this trap door like a meerkat. And you will not be surprised that I am thinking ‘errrrrrr…. Sorry, did I just have ACTUAL RIHANNA on actual TOP OF ME?’ As the 20,000 people in attendance screamed and clapped and wondered who the lucky girl was who just received a full on lapdance from their idol.
It was me, and guess what? I’m unapologetic b**ches.