Being a good friend means different things at different times. A friend suffering from low self-esteem may, in one moment, need unfettered adulation, whilst in another, a sharp shock of tough love.
The latter is always tricky. How do you know they will take your harsh words with their intended compassion? Will your friendship survive a dose of truth? Even if they take it on the chin, will it actually help?
Since we are ever hopeful over at ELLE UK, we asked whether people could change for the better, guided by the power of ugly truth. Thankfully, we learnt that friend’s warnings, no matter how stark, can be the catalyst for real, positive change.
Here are four women’s stories:
Grace, Casting Agent , 24
My best friend gave me some much-needed tough love. She told me, ‘if you keep using and don’t get clean, you will be dead by 30.’ She also told me to rid myself of a lot of the toxic fashion and party friends I had around me.
I’m almost a year clean after going to treatment, and it was the best thing I ever did.
Thankfully, the friend is still a huge part of my life now that I’m better, and she has been so supportive through it all.
Getting clean has been like a rebirth. I’ve never been happier and am currently launching a casting agency, something I’d never be able to do if I was still using.
Kate*, Fashion assistant, 23
A few years ago, I was in the throes of a terrible eating disorder. After a BBQ with a group of close friends, where there had been whispers around the group, my friend had a sit down with me. She gave me this constructive criticism, ‘you look unhealthy and we don't enjoy being around you anymore.’
It felt incredibly harsh, I was super on the defensive and didn't wait to hear what they had to say. I was having none of it and felt betrayed - I believed that I was being lied to.
It only took a day or so for me to realise she only had my best interests at heart and I may actually have a problem. I didn’t believe her at first, yet it made me think.
This was totally the catalyst for me moving on from the eating disorder, and, thankfully, our friendship can't be bruised by anything. She's my number one. She helped me through a big change in my life and it all comes down to that one bit of harsh advice.
Dawn, Company Director and mother, 47
When I was completing my undergraduate degree and didn't know what to do next, I thought I'd apply for a PGCE in Primary Education. My flatmate told me bluntly, ‘You don't like children. Children don't like you. You would be a terrible teacher.’
I was immediately offended, secretly thinking I was much more empathetic than she, who was also applying for a PGCE. But I soon recognised that in some way she was right.
In reality, I wasn't really interested in teaching, I was buying myself an extra year at college so I didn't have to make decisions. I might not have been a bad teacher, but kids deserve better than somebody who doesn't actually want to be there.
I thought it was terrifying when she burst my bubble about teaching, but I ended up with a fantastically interesting career, four children (which I do like!) have travelled all over the world and met some incredible people.
Alice*, TV Production Worker, 28
A couple of years ago I was in a job that I really disliked, was living with my parents and had minimal cash. Generally, this combination doesn't lead to overall happiness and when people would ask me about how things were going I wouldn't hesitate to tell them all about it.
One night I was out for a friend’s birthday and someone asked me how everything was. I gave the usual spiel about how I hate my job and that my life is a bit shit. My friend then took me to one side and told me, in no uncertain terms, that no one will ever like me or want to talk to me if I am so negative, and if I do really feel that way then I should sort myself out.
This struck a massive chord with me and I literally decided then and there to do just that. Get a job that I actually wanted to do, to move out and more.
The advice felt like a slap to the face, but, surprisingly I wasn't upset or annoyed by what she had said, more shaken up by it.
I had previously attempted do the whole life overhaul but not with much conviction - this time seemed a bit different. Like when you suddenly and silently decide to diet without telling anyone.
That was a couple of years ago and I have sorted it all out (almost). I’ve even found myself giving the exact same advice to someone else! God bless my best friend.
Daisy Murray is the Digital Fashion Editor at ELLE UK, spotlighting emerging designers, sustainable shopping, and celebrity style. Since joining in 2016 as an editorial intern, Daisy has run the gamut of fashion journalism - interviewing Molly Goddard backstage at London Fashion Week, investigating the power of androgynous dressing and celebrating the joys of vintage shopping.
