Seth Meyers had a tough task when he opened the 2018 Golden Globe Awards Sunday night. In a dark year for Hollywood, and the country at large, he had to create an atmosphere of fun and humour without ignoring the issues of the day.
The late-night host tackled issues like sexual harassment and Donald Trump during his opening monologue. He also brought back the 'Jokes Seth Can't Tell' feature from Late Night With Seth Meyers, allowing actors like Jessica Chastain, Issa Rae, and Billy Eichner to tell some of the punchlines. And he enlisted his former Weekend Update co-host Amy Poehler, who brilliantly heckled his jokes from the audience.
'Good evening, ladies and remaining gentlemen,' he began.'There's a new era underway and I can tell because it's been years since a white man has been this nervous in Hollywood.' And he didn't stop there, putting Harvey Weinstein, Woody Allen, Kevin Spacey, and Donald Trump in his crosshairs.
Read the full transcript of his monologue below:
Happy new year, Hollywood. It's 2018, marijuana is finally allowed and sexual harassment finally isn't. It's gonna be a good year. This was the year of Big Little Lies and Get Out. And also the television series Big Little Lies and the movie Get Out.There's a new era underway, and I can tell because it's been years since a white man was this nervous in Hollywood. By the way, a special hello to hosts of other upcoming award shows who are watching me tonight like the first dog they shot into outer space. For the male nominees in the room tonight, this is the first time in three months it won't be terrifying to hear your name read out loud. "Did you hear about Willem Defoe?" "Oh God no." "He was nominated." "Don't do that! Don't do that!"Considering what has been going on this year with powerful men and their terrible behavior in Hollywood, a lot of people thought it would be more appropriate for a women to host these awards. And they may be right, but if it's any consolation, I am a man with absolutely no power in Hollywood. I'm not even the most powerful Seth in the room tonight. Hey, remember when [Seth Rogen] was the guy making trouble with North Korea? Remember that? Simpler times. They tried to get a woman to host this show, they really did. They said, "Hey, how would you like to come and be judged by some of the most powerful people in Hollywood?" And women were like, "Hmm...well, where is it?" They said, "It's at a hotel." And long story short, I'm your host tonight.And we're all here tonight courtesy of the Hollywood Foreign Press. A string - yeah, give it up for the Hollywood Foreign Press. A string of three words that could not have been better designed to infuriate our president. Hollywood. Foreign. Press. The only name that would make him angrier would be the Hillary Mexico Salad Association.Well, I think it's time to address the elephant not in the room. Harvey Weinstein isn't here tonight because well, I've heard rumors that he's crazy and difficult to work with. But don't worry, he'll be back in 20 years when he becomes the first person ever booed during the in memoriam. [The crowd boos.] It'll sound like that.Well, despite everything that happened this year, the show goes on. For example, I was happy to hear they're gonna do another season of House of Cards. Is Christopher Plummer available for that too? I hope he can do a southern accent, 'cause Kevin Spacey sure couldn't. Oh, was that too mean? To Kevin Spacey?Daniel Kaluuya is nominated for Best Actor for his work in Get Out. Daniel plays a young man lured to an event full of aging white people desperate to reclaim their youth and oh my God, Daniel, it's a trap! Get out! Get Out was a great film to see in a theater, and also a great way to tell if your date was a racist. If you walked out after that movie and your date said, "It was so sad when they hit that deer," they're a racist. You went to a movie with a racist.The Shape Of Water received the most nominations of any film this year. Just an incredibly beautiful film, but I had to admit, when I first heard about a film where a naive young woman falls in love with a disgusting sea monster, I thought, "Oh man, not another Woody Allen movie." It's like Manhattan in water.The Post is nominated for Best Picture tonight. The Post. The Post is a film about journalistic integrity directed by Steven Spielberg and starring Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep. (A woman appears holding multiple trophies.) No, not yet, we have to wait. We have to wait and see what happens.There was some great television nominated this year too. We had another fantastic season of Stranger Things. Stranger Things reminded me so much of my childhood. Not the sci-fi stuff and I didn't really have any friends. I don't know how to ride a bike. Basically just the part where a guy from Radio Shack dated my mom. Sesame Street recently released a parody of Stranger Things titled Sharing Things. Meanwhile, Bert and Ernie have been doing the parody of Call Me By Your Name for years.I live in New York so one of my favorite shows of the year was The Deuce. If you haven't seen it, The Deuce is a show about Times Square in the early 70s when New York was so seedy, there were two James Francos.Oprah Winfrey is receiving the Cecil B. DeMille Award tonight. What a tremendous honor for Cecil B. DeMille. And Oprah, while I have you, in 2011, I told some jokes about our current President at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Jokes about how he was unqualified to be president and some have said that night convinced him to run. So, if that's true, I just want to say: Oprah, you will never be president! You do not have what it takes! And Hanks! Where's Hanks? You will never be vice president! You are too mean and unrelatable! Now, we just wait and see.So, if I may, on my show we do a segment called "Jokes Seth Can't Tell" with two of my writers, Amber Ruffin and Jenny Hagel. Where they tell punch lines that would be more fun coming from them instead of me, a straight white male. Tonight, that's more true than ever. So we thought we could enlist some of the brilliant people in this room. So, let's start. Where is Jessica Chastain? Jessica Chastain? There she is. Jessica Chastain, everybody.So, I'm going to say the set up and Jessica is going to say the punchline. Okay, here we go. Meyers: The Golden Globes turned 75 this year. Chastain: But the actress that plays its wife is still only 32.Meyers: There ya go! So much more fun! Where is Billy Eichner? Eichner: I'm here! I'm right over here! Meyers: Here you go, here's your set up Billy. Call Me By Your Name is nominated for Best Motion Picture. It is a gay coming of age film. Billy: Said Kevin Spacey, "You lost me at 'of age.'" Meyers. And you thought it was mean when I said he didn't have a Southern accent. Issa Rae is nominated for her HBO show Insecure. There's Issa. Alright, here's your set up. Insecure creator Issa Rae currently has three projects in development with HBO. Rae: "Yeah, that's right. And three projects is also where they think I'm from."Meyers: Next up, Hong Chau, so brilliant in the film Downsizing. Let's see, Hong. Here's the setup, according to a recent article only five percent of speaking roles in Hollywood are played by Asian actors. Chau: But those numbers might be off since a white person did the math.Meyers: All right, where is Amy Poehler? All right, there you are, Amy! Do you want to do one? Poehler: Yeah, I'll do one. But I don't need your help.Meyers: Yeah, but no, I do the set up and then you do the punchline. Poehler: Oh, is that how it works? You're explaining something I already know. Is this the man-splaining part of the evening?Meyers: No, no, no. I just don't think it'll work without a setup to your punchline.Poehler: Oh, well, I'm glad to know what you think. First of all, thank you for letting me know what you think. And secondly, I'm a women in Hollywood, Seth. You know, we've all be through a lot. I don't need a setup to make a punchline work. Okay, you're sadly mistaken.Meyers: Okay, I'm sorry, I apologize.Poehler: Oh, another apology. How wonderful. Alright, let me just get started. I'm reclaiming my wine.Meyers: So, you're gonna just do a punchline with no setup? Poehler: Everybody gets it! You already explained it! Stop explaining it! Oh my god! Okay, punchline, no setup here we go! Said the peach in Call Me By Your Name. This scene is the pits.Meyeres: Thank you so much Amy. Also, I want to point out that sitting next to Amy is Saru Jayaraman. Give it up for Saru everyone! She's one of many activists from outside this industry who've been invited here tonight in support of the Time's Up initiative. It's great! Yeah, give it up! It's great that this movement understands that what tarnished our world this year, tarnishes so many others and is reaching out to help them too. And I know if you're watching at home and you see everyone in their tuxedos and gowns, this looks like a room of privileged Hollywood elites. And that's fair. But, everyone in this room knows that Hollywood is so much more than that. When you're on a film set you meet hairdressers, and camerapeople, and script supervisors. Most of the jobs on film sets are jobs for people who work long hard hours. They are American Dream jobs. Those people aren't there - those people aren't there thanks to their rich dad. Except for that one PA. Every film set has at least one super connected PA who is always late and you ask what the hell his deal is, someone's like, "oh, that's Jeremy Paramount. Give Jeremy his space."People in this room worked really hard to get here. But, it's clearer now than ever before that the women had to work even harder. So, thank you for all the amazing work that you've all done and continue to do. I look forward to you leading us into whatever comes next so thank you so much for letting me say that.
