From the company who brought you "The People You May Know Feature that is filled with people you went on one date with and coworkers you don't like" comes a new innovation that is guaranteed to make you say, "What? Why? Do I have to?"
Today, at the Facebook's F8 developers conference (also known as The F8 of the Furious), Mark Zuckerberg announced that the company is wading into the matchmaking waters. Yes, it's true, Zuck will be succeed Bernadette Peters as Dolly Levi in Broadway's Hello, Dolly!
Actually, the tech giant announced that after the company's rousing success matching Russian bots with your gullible high school classmates, they were branching out to start their own dating service. All you have to do is fill out these twelve quizzes and share this article about Hillary's email server.
Us: Hey, is it possible that maybe there are fewer fake news stories and divisive bots?Facebook: Here is a stranger who is also single. Now kiss!
For Zuckerberg, the rationale was clear. "There are 200 million people on Facebook who list themselves as single," he said, "so clearly there’s something to do here." Yes. Leave them alone and let them binge-watch Aggretsuko in peace. Honestly, the last thing Facebook needs is more people posting happy couple vacay pics and engagement announcements. And I say this as someone who is guilty of both. I am part of the problem. The face is coming from inside the book.
Zuckerberg assured everyone that your friends would not be able to see your thotty dating profile, nor would Facebook match you with anyone you know. So, bad news for those of you trying to slide into the private messages of a person you met once at a party; good news for people who are very interested in finding new people to have coffee with and then never speak to again.
Also, not to sound like a technophobic Senator, but I'm not so sure about Facebook's promise to keep friends from seeing your profile. Like, one time I posted a toaster for sale on Facebook Marketplace and literally everyone I've ever met received an email about it. It wasn't even a nice toaster.
But, I'm sure they've fixed the glitches. I believe in them. I already have my first FaceDate lined up. It's with someone named ::squints at notes:: Mr. C. Analytica. Ooh. Sounds European! Wish me luck!
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R. Eric Thomas is a columnist for ELLE.com, where he skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity shade, and schadenfreude. He is also the author of Here for It: Or, How to Save Your Soul in America, a memoir-in-essays.
