Last night, Glenn Close, acting titan of stage and screen, attended the Hollywood premiere of The Wife, another masterpiece that some of you Hollywood haters will continue to sleep on. Glenn Close, like fellow legends Sigourney Weaver, Harrison Ford, and Timothée Chalamet, has never won an Oscar and honestly, I find it hard to get out of bed some days because I'm thinking about it so much. But not Glenn! She continues to give award-worthy performances, even if the role is simply 'Glenn Close walking down a red carpet.'
Look at our effortless icon—seen here with co-star Jonathan Price—giving us a full mini-series worth of developments, recriminations, double-crosses, and monologues contained in one glower. Who has such ocular range?! WHO?! Glenn Close is going to be the first person to win an Oscar with one look. It will pair nicely with the Tony she won for Sunset Boulevard, a musical in which she sang the song 'With One Look.' It's called synergy, people! Synergy!
Glenn's Damages co-star Rose Byrne also showed up at the premiere and Glenn really showed off with her. This is to be expected since Damages is the most bonkers, high key dramatic non-Shonda Rhimes show that has ever been on television.
Do I know what's going on here? No. Am I getting it tattooed on my body anyway? Obviously. It's possible that Glenn is still in character as the duplicitous Patty Hewes and she's played a long-game to try to frame Rose Byrne's Ellen Parsons for murder. On one hand, this seems weird because a) Damages has been off the air for six years and b) the characters don't exist in reality. But ask yourself, isn't crossing a meta-fictional plane and plotting for half a decade exactly the kind of thing Patty Hewes would do? It is.
We don't deserve Glenn Close. Well, I do, because I appreciate her. But some of you? I don't know. I just don't know. Who else is able to so effortlessly glide between high villainy and heartbreaking humanity?! This woman played Cruella de Vil and Iris in The Natural. What more do you want from her?
Not to mention, she most recently played a malevolent grandmother zombie in Amazon's Sea Oak. A malevolent! Grandmother! Zombie! But did you watch? Ugh! I can't with you! I need to lie down.
With six Oscar nominations (soon-to-be seven or I swear to God...), Glenn was Amy Adams-ing before it was cool. Her performances in The World According to Garp, Albert Nobbs, and The Big Chill, so often brought her so... Close... to the gold. Her lack of recognition is a scandal and I am writing to my elected officials about it.
I'm just saying, you must be eternally rejuvenated and refreshed from all the times y'all have slept on Glenn Close. Some of you are Rip van Winkle up in this piece when it comes to Glenn Close's superb body of work. And you need to wake up! Sleepy time is over, you soporific slackers!
What time is it? Glenn-thirty? Revive Sea Oak, Jeff Bezos, or I will never choose No Rush shipping on a Prime package ever again! Go see The Wife, Rose Byrne! And also everyone else! Give her all the awards.
Personal note to new Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences member Christine Baranski:
Hi!
Love you.
Also, please vote for Glenn Close in all categories this year and every year.
Thanks so much! Together we can Close the gap!
Glenn 2020!
R. Eric Thomas is a columnist for ELLE.com, where he skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity shade, and schadenfreude. He is also the author of Here for It: Or, How to Save Your Soul in America, a memoir-in-essays.
