Rocketman hive, our time is once again at hand! No, the extraordinary musical biopic didn't quite reach the stratospheric ticket sales of Bohemian Rhapsody despite that fact that Rocketman is an arguably better film, but you know what, we're still standing! Better than we ever did! Looking like a true survivor! Feeling like a little kid! Not only is the film now on DVD and Blu-ray but this week a deleted musical number from the film was released on my favourite YouTube channel, CastofRocketmanVEVO, featuring Taron Egerton and Richard Madden tap-dancing to the song "Honky Cat." Why is this video coming out now? Who can say! But, if everybody would look back at everything I've been saying and preaching and praying and saying, they would see that Rocketman remains one of the best musical biopics ever released and this video is just further proof.
Rocketman's "Honky Cat" scene features one of my all-time favourite tropes: the makeover montage! In it we see an early-career Elton John, played by Taron Egerton, getting She's All That'd by his manager-boyfriend, played by Richard Madden. It has major "What's New Buenos Aires?" energy with a touch of "I Think I'm Going to Like It Here" from Annie and a whisper of "The Meek Shall Inherit" from Little Shop. Who could resist?!
But this overly complicated description can hardly do justice to how much Elton Johnian excess is shoved into this number. You want fancy footwork? You want costume changes?! You want soccer hooligans? You get all that and more. Let's take a closer look, honky cat! (Am I allowed to say that? Cancel culture, do ya thing!)
First of all, we have to talk about the number of times that Richard Madden gets in kissing range of Taron Egerton's lips but hovers just far enough away to drive me into a frenzy. The whole video journey begins with the two of them millimetres apart as Richard Madden murmurs "What do you really want?" Ten seconds in and I already have to pause the video and walk around the block. Would I trade places with the molecules of air dangling sexily between their barely parted lips? I wouldn't say no!
Taron staring longingly at Richard Madden is also me staring longingly at Taron and Richard Madden. It's a phenomenon scientists are calling Thirst Inception.
Remarkably, we return this position repeatedly over the course of the video, making the first musical number to combine Busby Berkley choreo with edging. Release the OnlyFans link, kings!
In related news, a similar thing is happening in the photo below from the promotional tour of this movie. Taron in the photo is me staring at Richard and Taron. And Bryce Dallas Howard is all of my other celebrity thirst wondering where my attention went. (Please do not worry, Jake Gyllenhaal and the entire cast of The Good Place; I have not forsaken you.)
But right now: "Honky Cat"! I love that despite the joy (and obviously sexual energy) of this number, Richard Madden plays every moment in full Disney villain mode, all tight smiles, sly looks, and gay slinking. Scar found dead in a ditch. Richard Madden―spoiler alert―turns out to be the bad guy in Rocketman. He's part of a long line of dastardly British-ish music industry types in recent movies, led by their Sorcerer King, Rez Gavron in A Star is Born. There could be 99 people in a room and if one of them in a money-hungry Englishman who knows just how to push your psychological buttons, well, it's over for you. Sorry to this Rocketman.
But all that is in the future is this scene. Instead of heartbreak and betrayal we get Richard Madden and Taron Egerton swanning around in dressing gowns like the cast of a Birdcage remake!
I need these two to be my independently wealthy uncles who live in a pink condo in Key West with six Bichon Frises and a pampered macaw named Shelly Winters.
As much as I want to linger in this scene and perhaps watch the two of them perform an impromptu version of "Beauty School Dropout," we have to move on to the next shot which, improbably is literally "Be Our Guest" from Beauty and the Beast.
I am not not delighted by this development.
Taron and Richard drink champagne and dramatically act out thinking up lyrics to the song they are already singing and yes, I do believe Anna Wintour is on line one screaming "THIS IS CAMP."
From here, things go brilliantly off the rails. For instance, Taron wears Jennifer Lopez's Hustlers fur coat.
And later Richard Madden and Taron Egerton splay themselves on a stage and stand in a money explosion, again paying homage to Jennifer Lopez in the greatest screen performance of all time.
What I'm saying is, someone please set this music video to "Criminal." I need it.
Before all of this, however, Elton John does a line of coke, rips off his sunglasses, and headbutts a random soccer ball. Somehow this is very sexy and, I'm sure, also an homage to Hustlers. Lorene Scafaria's influence, y'all!
Finally, the video ends with a dazzling if completely confounding dance extravaganza featuring a chorus of shirtless dancers in top hats, tails, and white boxer shorts. I, honestly, do not know what to make of this but I'm already in too deep and I have no choice but stan with bemusement.
While I cannot understand why this perfect number was cut from the film, I can only hope that its recent surfacing will kick-start the Oscar buzz for Taron Egerton that I have been carrying on my back for months. We will get our Kingsman King a trophy, kids! We only have to wait a few months longer. To tide us over, here's a photo of Taron at Cannes with Richard Madden, who biting his thumb that I'm sure you will enjoy for... reasons.
What a great time to be a honky cat! (Still unclear if I am allowed to say that.)
R. Eric Thomas is a columnist for ELLE.com, where he skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity shade, and schadenfreude. He is also the author of Here for It: Or, How to Save Your Soul in America, a memoir-in-essays.
