Infertility is a pretty lonely thing to go through – and because there isn’t really a social conversation around it, very few people actually know how to talk about it openly and sensitively.
Why? Not only do we lack the right words but we also don’t realise how common it actually is. According to the NHS, around one in seven couples have difficulty conceiving, while data from the Human Fertilisation & Embryology Authority (HFEA) reveals that in 2018 about 54,000 patients had 68,724 fresh and frozen in-vitro fertilisation (IVF) cycles and 5,651 donor insemination (DI) cycles at licensed fertility clinics in the UK.
‘Whether or not you choose to share your fertility struggles with loved ones is a very personal decision and there are lots of valid reasons for deciding to keep your journey private,’ explains Dr Cesar Diaz-Garcia, medical director of fertility clinic IVI London. ‘However, we’re still fighting against a very real stigma that exists around infertility in the UK, which causes many women to keep their struggles a secret for the wrong reasons, such as fear of being misunderstood or even judged.’
If you know someone struggling to conceive a child, the tone and terminology you use can have a profound and long-lasting impact on how they feel, on the choices they make, and on their outcomes. The Language of Fertility, a campaign recently launched by IVI London, aims to improve the way we talk about fertility in the UK, starting with the common words and phrases you might not expect. We reached out to Dr Diaz to find out exactly what you should (and shouldn’t) say to support those close to you.
Sensitively Reach Out And Ask How You Can Help
‘There is absolutely nothing wrong with simply asking, “How are you?” and “Is there anything I can do to support you?”. In fact, these are often the questions that are appreciated the most,’ says Dr Diaz.
‘Without prying or intruding, it gives that person the opportunity to share if they feel ready to, and, if they’d prefer not to talk about it (and many may not), these sorts of questions show empathy and acknowledge their struggle without forcing them to go into details.’
Be Kind And Mindful
‘You should always be careful when talking to someone who is trying to conceive because infertility, and the impact it can have, is invisible. Be mindful that in that moment they maybe under intense physical and emotional strain, processing a difficult diagnosis or even mourning a loss. It is always best to take a cautious approach and try not to make assumptions about their experience, especially if they seem outwardly fine in social settings,’ says Dr Diaz.
Don’t Offer Unsolicited Advice
‘While it’s human nature to want to try and help someone in pain, you should always avoid asking unsolicited questions or offering advice without being asked,’ he says.
‘It can feel as if you’re offering reassurance when you share the happy story of a person it all worked out for. And maybe that will happen to your friend – but it may not. Offering these kinds of comments can not only create false expectations but also lead to feelings of being at fault or not being “normal” if things don’t go the same way. Just let them know you’re there for them. Sometimes, just being present is the best thing a friend can do.’
Advising Them To ‘Just Relax’ Won‘t Work
‘Although nearly always well-meant, encouraging someone who’s trying to conceive to “try to relax” can come across as insensitive,’ warns Dr Diaz.
‘Ultimately, infertility isn’t a lifestyle factor – it is a medical condition recognised by the World Health Organisation (WHO) and needs to be treated with sensitivity. Relaxing is not a cure, nor does it make someone struggling with infertility feel any better about their situation.
‘Plus, from a medical perspective, telling someone experiencing infertility to “relax” is simply not good advice and it certainly won’t help them get pregnant if they have a fertility issue.’
Ditch ‘At Least…‘ For ‘I’m Sorry This Is Happening’
‘If I had a pound for every time I’ve heard someone use a variation of this blunder, I could retire. The “At least you have…” comment is particularly disempowering because it minimises whatever pain the other person is going through and can cause guilt for their genuine feelings of grief. If someone is sharing their struggles, they usually just want those feelings to be heard and acknowledged,’ he says.
IVI London recently launched the Language of Fertility, a campaign aiming to tackle the common words and phrases used by medical professionals, the media and the general public that can imply blame and shame on someone who is trying to conceive. You can download a copy of the manifesto here.
