This feature is part of ELLE's 'Modern Motherhood Series' - exploring the shifting role of 'mother' in society and the women choosing to do things differently.
Joseph Tito is a new father. The birth of his twin baby girls, however, heralded a symphony of legal, logistical and emotional complications.
As a single, gay man, becoming a parent was never going to be a walk in the park. Firstly, the 39-year-old had to find a way to bring a child into his family - a surrogacy process which proved more fraught with drama than he could ever have imagined.
Upon learning that he was having twins, he had to recalibrate his parenting plan to accommodate a second baby.
And now, he's having to deal with the concept of being both mum and dad to two little girls, protecting them from the evils of the world, all while facing a regular barrage of criticism from people unaccepting of his choice to become a parent in the first place.
Aware of his pioneering position, he started a blog called The Dad Diaries, to chart his journey for those interested, and to offer support and advice for others who might need it.
'I always wanted to have kids by the time I was 35-years-old,' he explains to ELLE, 'but 35 came and went and I was busy producing TV shows and traveling the world.
'As a gay man, having children is not the easiest thing to do. So, when I turned 37-years-old, I thought to myself: 'it’s now or never.'
'I looked into all my options. I looked into adoption, but as a single gay man it was next to impossible to find anyone who would accept my application, so I started researching surrogacy. I found a clinic that seemed to be welcoming of single men, or same sex couples. So I decided to go for it,' Joesph continues.
'Emotionally, it was a rollercoaster ride for me. I went through five embryo transfers, four of which didn't take. It was a horrible time in my life; I really doubted myself.
'On April 20, 2018 I got the news of the pregnancy. I was ecstatic and then 20 days later, I got the first ultrasound and realised that I'd been blessed with twins. I was terrified though; as a single dad I had no idea if I could take care of two babies.'
Sadly for Joesph, life was about to get much more complicated.
On November 14, his birthday, he travelled from his home in Toronto, Canada, to Mombasa, in Kenya, where his surrogate was living. She gave birth to two perfect, healthy little girls, which Joseph named Stella and Mia - an homage to his Italian ancestry.
After this, however, an improbable series of obstacles arose. Seemingly, despite having been open to the surrogacy application of a single man, the agency was now telling him that they would not release the babies unless he reappeared with a 'female companion.' Luckily for Joseph, a close female friend was willing to come to Kenya and vouch for him.
Following this, he received a birth certificate for the girls that did not name him as their dad, nor did it accord the girls his surname. A perceptibly small thing that might have posed huge problems down the line, had he not managed to sort it out.
The most severe of his issues arose when he tried to take his babies home. Despite due diligence on Joesph's part - and reassurances from his surrogacy agency that everything would be fine - the Canadian High Commission in Nairobi denied issuance of their passports, on the grounds that a second-generation Canadian’s children were not automatically guaranteed citizenship.
Long story short: a few nerve-racking weeks and a lot of publicity for his plight later, everything turned out okay and Joseph made it back to Toronto with his babies in tow.
Of this unfathomably stressful period, Joseph says on his blog:
'I am forever grateful to my mother, who [was] by my side during this entire ordeal. I don’t know what I would have done without her. Through this nightmare, I tried to stay focused on the reason I was in this situation: to become a dad. These two precious gifts are everything to me, and I would go through it all 1000 times over just to look into their eyes.'
Beyond a frightening and unusual entry into parenthood, Joseph has also encountered some more predictable bumps in the road.
'I’ve been very open about my journey, which has left me exposed to a lot of criticism. Mostly about a gay man raising children; the world is not as open-minded as we would like it to be.
'I remember one follower writing this on one of my posts about the failed embryo transfers: “Not only are you being selfish, but you’ve killed four lives along the way. A child should only be brought into this world through the love of a man and a woman.”
'Also, a lot of people don’t really understand surrogacy, I’ve heard people say that I’m playing God. I get a lot of ignorant remarks. Sadly, some from my own aunt, who thinks what I have done is sinful. She refuses to be in the girls lives and does not approve of my "lifestyle".
'I just let this roll off my back, because when I look at my girls, all I see is the immense love that I have for them, and the work financially and emotionally that went into having them.
'I am very fortunate that I have some incredible followers standing behind me. I get all kinds of comments about being an inspiration, but I don’t think I am an inspiration, I’m just a man that wanted to be a father, and I didn’t stop until that dream became a reality.'
Now four and a half months old, Joseph's twins are his life's greatest joy and he is acutely aware of the significance of his job in raising them.
'Luckily, my parents are a huge support and help me a lot. But of course I know it will be my job to talk to them about their periods (OMG!!!). As a single parent I have to work and I have to be there for them when they need me, which is basically all the time. It’s a lot and, yes, I’m exhausted. But at the end of the day it’s so worth it,' he says.
Though his parents have been the cornerstone of Joseph's support system, he has noticed other relationships change.
'There's no romance. I don’t even have time to shower, let alone meet someone. Also I don’t think that a lot of gay men want children. They do in theory, but when push comes to shove and dirty diapers and spit up are all over the place they run,' he says.
'Also some of my friendships have changed. My friendships with other single people have waned. I've become closer to my friends that also have children, because they just get it.
'The best thing is that it’s brought me closer to my family. I’ve actually moved back into my parents house for the time being, because I need the help. Also I love that my girls are growing up with their grandparents, learning traditions. I’ve always lived and worked all over the world and never thought I’d be back home with my parents, but now I’m looking for a house literally beside them.'
'Despite the brain mush, from lack of sleep,' Joseph muses, 'the best bit of my life is when they wake up in the morning, I open their door and they see me. The smile on their faces makes everything fade away. I’m just so excited for every new stage.'
When it comes to pursuing parenthood as a single dad, Joseph has some wise words.
'Follow your gut,' he says. 'There is so much information out there nowadays, but just do what feels right for you and your baby(ies). All babies are different, so don’t feel guilty for anything as long as you are doing your best.'
If you want to learn more about Joseph's surrogacy journey, including the particulars of his fight to bring his babies home from Kenya, hop over to The Dad Diaries.
Natasha Bird is the Former Executive Editor (Digital) of ELLE.
