Last week, Gwyneth Paltrow continued to surprise the world when she shared a photograph on Instagram of herself holding hands with actor Dakota Johnson. On first glance, witnessing such kinship between Academy Award-recognised actors wasn't out of the ordinary for Hollywood. But then we remembered that Johnson is in a long-term relationship with Paltrow's ex-husband, Chris Martin, from whom she 'consciously uncoupled' in 2014. Welcome, reader, to the upside down world of modern love in 2023.
We exist in a time now where it is not just normal, but rather encouraged, for us to make peace with our ex’s new partners. While our flames for former love interests might be extinguished, there's now a newfound respect for those able to fan the embers of their new loves. Of course, the Goop founder and The Lost Daughter actor aren’t the only ones in the public eye to have found a friendship with their romantic 'replacements'.
Katy Perry, Orlando Bloom’s fiancée, and Miranda Kerr, Bloom’s ex-wife, are also firm friends. In an episode of The Drew Barrymore Show in 2020, Kerr shared her appreciation for the ‘Roar’ singer. ‘I adore Katy and I just feel so happy that Orlando has found someone that makes his heart so happy, because at the end of the day, for [our son] Flynn to have a happy father and a happy mother is just the most important thing,’ Kerr said.
Lest we forget the reunion that broke the internet last year between Hailey Bieber and her husband Justin’s ex-girlfriend, Selena Gomez, at the Academy Museum of Motion Pictures Gala. It would seem that in La La land, at least, the rulebook is being rewritten by the consciously uncoupled.
But is it actually possible to become friends with an ex’s new partner? ‘Having a partner and being friends with my ex’s new girlfriend has made it so much easier for me to keep my ex in my life,’ Amy Grey tells ELLE. Before Grey ended her three-year relationship, she had every intention of staying friends with her ex, but it was only in the presence of their new partners that they could forge a new friendship. Now, she says, they have embraced the mess of their new lives and rediscovered the versions of themselves they were when they first met.
The same is true of Paltrow, who shared in October that she and Johnson were ‘very good friends.’ 'I love her so much. She’s an adorable, wonderful person,' she shared during a Q&A on her Instagram story.
Sophia Green befriended all of the 10 women her ex-boyfriend cheated on her with once she’d closed the door on their relationship for good. She arranged coffee dates with each and every one and, after crying with the women, she felt like she’d had a lifetime’s worth of therapy. ‘Sharing stories of how toxic he was, and just understanding that we all went through the same awful experience was so cathartic for all of us,’ Sophia tells ELLE. Since meeting her ex’s partners, they have become firm friends and even hosted dinner parties as a group. ‘There’s a sense of understanding that somebody who hasn’t dated your ex wouldn’t understand,’ she adds.
It’s not to say that it’s easy — or, in many cases, necessary — to befriend an ex’s new partner, but in the presence of joint responsibilities — children, pets, mortgages — or in a search for peace in the aftermath of a painful break-up, befriending your ex’s partner can be healing. And you never know the version of yourself, or them, you’ll rediscover in doing so.
Naomi May is a freelance writer and editor with an emphasis on popular culture, lifestyle and politics. After graduating with a First Class Honours from City University's prestigious Journalism course, Naomi joined the Evening Standard as its Fashion and Beauty Writer, working across both the newspaper and website. She is now the Acting News Editor at ELLE UK and has written features for the likes of The Guardian, Vogue, Vice and Refinery29, among many others.
