Heartbreak is the worst. I wish I could express it more eloquently than that, but never mind, because Taylor Swift – one of the 21st century’s great chroniclers of loves lost – explores the topic over the 31 songs of her 11th studio album, The Tortured Poets Department. I guess that’s why I am me and she is, well, Taylor Swift.
What’s the difference anyway? Me, you, Taylor, whoever. Heartbreak – despite its acute loneliness, and that persistent feeling that nobody has ever had it as badly as you – is the great democratiser. The billion dollars in the bank, the Grammy awards, the TIME Person of the Year accolade, the tight-end Kansas City Chiefs boyfriend, that separate you and her – mere details. (And not details, apparently, that immunise you against going through it).
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In the days since TTPD’s release, the Swiftorians – as ever, impressively forensic in their analysis – have pored over and decoded the lyrics with an intensive eye for detail I wish I had applied to my English Literature BA set texts back in the day.
So, by now, you’ll likely know that she sings about the anguish going on behind the pizzazz of the record-breaking Eras tour (‘All the piеces of me shatterеd as the crowd was chanting, 'More'; I Can Do It With A Broken Heart), the mental replaying of moments from a relationship expired (‘At dinner, you take my ring off my middle finger / And put it on the one people put wedding rings on / And that's the closest I've come to my heart exploding’, on the album’s title track), that agonising feeling of someone who you knew better than anyone suddenly becoming a stranger (‘I am someone who until recent events / You shared your secrets with / And your location, you forgot to turn it off / And so I watch as you walk / Into some bar called The Black Dog’; Black Dog). There’s the bitter regret of heartbreak (‘And I'm pissed off you let me give you all that youth for free’; So Long London) and the spiteful I’ll-show-you hope of them (‘Once I fix me, he's gonna miss me’; My Boy Only Breaks His Favourite Toys). If you don’t identify – oof! – I envy you.
You don’t really need to do a close reading of the lyrics to get the picture, however. The emo title really told you all you need to know – and I mean that as a sincere compliment. No matter how accomplished or experienced or sophisticated you are, there is nothing quite like a romantic disappointment to bring out the adolescent in all of us. A couple of years ago I found my very, very embarrassing and indulgent teenage diaries that charted various dumpings, disappointments and unrequited loves. The most painful part? Given the wrong circumstances, I am still that girl today.
But shouldn’t the heartbroken be allowed to be indulgent? It’s fitting that the TTPD is overly long; romantic pain is unedited, unconfined. It spills beyond the margins of what is reasonable. God, yes, it’s boring, but to talk and talk and talk about the pain is slowly, fleetingly loosens the grip it has on you. A cool cloth to your head on a too hot day, a power nap – the relief is soothing, but temporary. One of the only things that helps is camaraderie, which I suppose is what the album is in a way.
Heartbreak is an acute pain that really can make one feel deeply unhinged. The last, and possibly worst, I endured sent me properly loopy. I started writing a novel about it (thank God never finished, that’s a manuscript more mortifying than my teenage diaries), found myself able to talk about much else, consulted a hypnotherapist with the brief to erase him from my mind (Swift takes a ‘Forget Him’ pill in her 'Fortnight' video – I would pay handsomely for that), and think it was more of a reason than I’d like to admit for hotfooting it out of the city I had called home for 20 years.
The funny thing about that specific heartbreak was that it was from a relatively brief relationship. This is something else that Swift touches on; not only is it a democratiser, but heartbreak is also ruthlessly random in its intensity. Matty Healy – outwardly a rebound fling, post six-year relationship with Alwyn – seems to be more of a notable presence in TTPD than the British actor. I wish the formula half the time of the relationship, is how long it takes to get over them worked. Heartbreak is as much about mourning what could have been than what was or is. We bring pieces of ourselves to every relationship. The kindest thing you can ever do for a friend is to let them mourn the Mattys with the same force they do the Joes.
And I really do think that heartbreak is like grief – you just have to feel it. Talk, write, play that album ad nauseum. Hang on in there.
Last word then to Swift, via a suitably wordy Instagram captions: 'This period of the author’s life is now over, the chapter closed and boarded up. There is nothing to avenge, no scores to settle once wounds have healed. And upon further reflection, a good number of them turned out to be self-inflicted. This writer is of the firm belief that our tears become holy in the form of ink on a page. Once we have spoken our saddest story, we can be free of it.'
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