This feature is part of ELLE's 'Modern Motherhood Series' - exploring the shifting role of 'mother' in society and the women choosing to do things differently.
When you think about what the first couple of months of motherhood might be like, what springs to mind?
Nappy and formula adverts would have you believe in a soft-focus dreamworld of smiling, bright eyed infants, delighted to see you and wanting for nothing.
On the other end of the spectrum, there are movies like Charlize Theron's film Tully (otherwise known as Hollywood's greatest attempt at contraception), about a mother who becomes so stressed and exhausted, parenting a child with a behavioural disorder and pregnant again by accident, that she deludes herself into thinking things are there that actually aren't.
The reality, for most, exists somewhere in the middle of the two.
Pretty freaked out, a bit bored and slowly, but surely, falling greatly in love with their tiny dictator babies is how the six mothers we spoke to explained the ugly-but-adorable first year of motherhood.
Lena de Casparis, ELLE UK’s Associate Editor and Culture Director, is 33-years-old and has a two-year-old daughter, Roma
Sleep deprivation is hard. Keeping them alive is hard. Mum chat is hard. It’s all bloody hard.
Once, I’d agreed to interview two authors on stage at Hay Festival when my daughter Roma was 6 weeks old. About 20 minutes before my talk Roma - in her sling - did a huge pee that leaked out of her nappy, right on to my pale t-shirt. I had to turn my t-shirt around so that the huge, wet stain was covered by my jacket before I headed onto the stage.
Parenthood, always classy.
My mum died when I was young, so I knew I’d need a forcefield of friends around me to help, as I had no real clue what I was doing and parenthood can feel quite lonely.
Luckily, my best friend had a daughter 18 months before me, so I basically copied everything she did. I also found some brilliant friends through NCT (I know people’s experiences really vary – but my Whatsapp group still keeps me sane), and made sure to hang out as much as possible with my non-parent friends.
Lena’s top tips:
- Podcasts are brilliant for night feeds
- Books helped, too. I liked Zoe Williams' What Not To Expect When You’re Expecting and The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Phillipa Perry.
Shanae Dennis is a 26 year-old Health Research Manager and she has one son named Jayden, who is now 6-years-old
My son got baby acne when he was eight weeks old and we had to take him to the hospital to make sure it wasn’t an allergic reaction. I remember falling apart when the doctor told me there was something wrong with him, even though it wasn’t serious.
At that moment, I knew this was going to be hard - if baby acne made me feel defenceless, imagine what there was to come.
When my son was four months, I returned to University to complete the final year of my undergraduate degree. I brought my electric breast pump to class and hid in one of the side rooms to express. Some students passed by the room and thought the sound coming from the pump was a vibrator. They began to bang the door and make jokes, so I burst open with my pump attached. ‘I’m not masturbating, but maybe if I did more of that I wouldn’t be in this situation’, I shouted and slammed the door.
I clearly remember the moment I fell in love with my son. I had finished bathing him and as I was getting him ready, he smiled at me. After that I relaxed. I realised that he is my little human and we would figure it out together.
Georgia McAlpine is a 26 year-old mum to 9 week-old Beau
The moment my son was born, I didn't want him here. I realised it will never just be me ever again, which is a really difficult feeling.
I didn't feel overwhelmed with love. I just felt really anxious, really terrified and really scared. I instantly wanted it to go back to how it was.
The grossest thing was when his umbilical cord fell off. I couldn't find it anywhere for an hour. Until I found it up in his back, in his little baby grow. It was absolutely revolting.
I wish someone had told me how hard it would be. So hopefully I can let others know it’s not all fairies and rainbows in the beginning, but gets so much better with time. The moment they smile for the first time you go weak at the knees.
Georgia’s Top Tips:
- Don't see anyone during the first two weeks. Your own mum is fine, but you need to get to know your baby and spend time with your partner.
- Opinions are like a*******s, everyone’s got one.
- Never Google anything. Mumsnet just makes you feel even worse about yourself.
Katherine Ormerod is a 35-year-old author and influencer who has an 18-month-old son called Grey
My first few months were absolute hell. Everything seemed to go wrong. I wasn’t ready for him to be sick 50 or 60 times a day, for his weight to plummet, for him to never latch, for eight to nine hours of red-faced crying a day.
There were no rosé afternoons or box set binges (well, actually I did watch Mad Men but had to have the subtitles on because I couldn’t hear the dialogue over the baby’s screams).
A girlfriend of mine had twins a few months older than my little boy and she told me to get out there and start talking to people. I literally accosted mums on the bus, at the park, wherever and asked for their number. Thank God people are kind.
I wish someone had told me that being a freelance working mother is synonymous with being a housewife. A lot of the time I feel like I’m living The Feminine Mystique.
Rachael Cook is the 27 year-old owner of Serotonin Vintage. She has a 2-year-old daughter called Bibi
I didn't find out that I was pregnant until I was six months gone. As you can imagine, I was completely overwhelmed when I realised.
The first few months were very strange and surreal for me. I am normally very sociable but during this time I felt a longing for loneliness. The practical reality of motherhood, however, was easier than I had thought. That's not because having a newborn is easy, but everyone around me had been saying motherhood would affect my business, a vintage shop in London, that I would have to close down and everything would be a struggle.
The reality is that I embraced being both a mother and a business owner. I got my baby a passport from birth and we were flying around the world on buying trips a month later.
Rachael’s top tip:
- Feeling unprepared? Engage with other parents. It's the best (and most helpful) thing you can do.
Bridget March is the Digital Beauty Director of Harper’s Bazaar. She is 35 and has a 3-year-old son named Laith
I didn’t feel an instant bond with my son liked I’d hoped I would. Perhaps I imagined the free flowing ‘hormone of love’ oxytocin would kick in stronger than it did.
For something innate, and that I desperately wanted to do, breastfeeding didn’t come easily. Although I went on to breastfeed for a year, it was one of the hardest jobs I’ve ever done. Not being able to walk for nearly a week post-C-section, or feel at all strong on my feet for a few weeks following, was really tough for me. I’m naturally one of those people who hates sitting still, so being bed-bound with my baby was a massive shock to the system.
I desperately wanted friends and family around to break up the days. I imagined having family to stay might feel imposing, but the opposite was true. I was so grateful for their help and company. I am learning so much more than I thought I had capacity for; it’s as much about self-transformation as it is about nurturing and raising a child.
Bridget’s top tips:
- Meet local mums in your ares using apps like Mush and Peanut. Also, local baby groups such as baby massage were a nice way to meet people.
- I wore a postnatal belly wrap called Belly Bandit.
- Your partner and you are supposed to be a team, and not in competition.
Daisy Murray is the Digital Fashion Editor at ELLE UK, spotlighting emerging designers, sustainable shopping, and celebrity style. Since joining in 2016 as an editorial intern, Daisy has run the gamut of fashion journalism - interviewing Molly Goddard backstage at London Fashion Week, investigating the power of androgynous dressing and celebrating the joys of vintage shopping.
